Mom meets RM

Earlier

Mom: Are you going to get another roommate?
A.: No.
Mom: The one you had got in your way?
A.: You could say that. He was a bit to social for my roommate needs. In any case, my emergency fund has bounced back, and I'm going to do without.
Mom: What's an emergency fund?
A.: A cushion of savings you keep around in case of emergency.
Mom: You have us in case of emergency.
A.: I appreciate that. But I'd rather not have to have you in case of emergency.
Mom: He did seem very bubbly when I met him.
A.: That he was.
Mom: He seemed like a good guy.
A.: He is, in a way. I just don't need a friend/parent in the house.

Later

Mom: I feel kind of bad for your roommate.
A.: Why?
Mom: He probably felt rejected.
A.: He could have handled himself in a way that would have saved him hurt feelings.
Mom: You're just very cold and harsh.
A.: I tried to be polite, at first. And again. That didn't work.
Mom: I'm sure he meant well.
A.: His intentions are irrelevant.

Later

Mom: You've just become very cold and rational.
A.: [Shrug]

I tried to tell her some of the more egregious stories, including the waiting around in case I'd left without my key and then throwing that in my face as an example of his considerateness. Mom kept taking his side.

A.: Mom, I've had roommates for ten years, and I've never, ever had these problems before. I am under no obligation, as a roommate, to provide companionship, and it's not my fault that he was completely illiterate to social cues. Paying attention could have saved him some rejection and hurt feelings. I'm sorry I said anything. Now please drop it.

Later

Mom: I just feel bad for your roommate.
A.: Mom! Let it go.

***
Response to comment:

I take your point, although that's one of many things going on. Some of the others:

-My parents, like RM, don't really get the concept of roommate cohabitation, i.e. polite coexistence, separate lives. To me, it makes perfect sense that when renting someone a room or splitting a rental is a financial arrangement; you're not inviting someone into your social or personal life. But some people struggle with that, apparently.

-I erred, in giving a little bit of information without wanting to talk about it. This is a common trap, with my mother especially. Now, why she can never take my word for it is another issue, but I know that that's the way it is and I should have known better than to say something and expect her not to push back. This is, after all, the woman who, upon hearing that I was changing jobs, jumped to the conclusion that it was because I couldn't get along with people and had alienated all of my former colleagues. So a reasonable person would give me the benefit of the doubt, understand that I dealt with RM quite fairly. But it's silly to expect reason from my mother.

Marcela captured the whole dynamic really well when she said I should stop feeling bad in any way--she could see how I might feel bad, because I'm human, and it's always upsetting when someone else's feelings are hurt, but that I had no reason to feel bad.

In any case, I completely agree re: women being expected to be pleasant all the time. I'm pretty good at not falling into that trap, i.e. at refusing to do what would be expected of a "nice" person. Which is really funny for another reason--I dated someone not long ago who somehow got the impression that I was overly eager to please and that that stemmed from insecurity, when basically, I was just being polite (but not in a way I thought was at all submissive). So women can't win-- you're either cold or oversolicitous.

I've actually thought about this from RM's perspective, too: I can't believe I'm the only one who's ever stood up to him. Part of that my be gender, part of it, I bet, is rank, and part of it is his manipulation of social norms to his advantage. People--especially women, but men, too, will move in to diffuse an uncomfortable situation. It's just instinct. It's kind of like how if you look like you belong, you can walk into a college dorm and steal a microwave out of a kitchenette (or, see the Salahis). There's a tacit assumption that people are doing what they're supposed to be doing, that when someone demands or takes something they have a right to it--whether it's something tangible, or one's attention--and so you're the one put on the spot to deny what the other person has claimed, rightly or wrongly.

I'm thinking of two RM situations--one where he decided that we would go out to dinner. And he didn't say, "would you like to go out to dinner?" He said, "let's go out to dinner tonight." And so the onus was on me to accept that as a reasonable thing to do--and when I didn't, he came back at me with that absurd theory about how I have an eating schedule. Just like when his rent was late and I had to remind him about it, he came back at me with, 'oh, I see, you need the money so I'll do you a big favor and write you a check.' But I digress.

The better example was that time, just days before the foot incident, and equally creepy, when he stood in my office door at around 10pm and stared at me as I typed. I looked up, thinking he might take the hint and go away, but I lost the staring contest, looked down. I was practicing social skills, diffusing an awkward situation. But he was still there, so I looked up again and consciously refused to lose again. I stared at him and gave him a stern "can I help you look" until he went away.

So yes, people and women especially are expected to make everything nice, and other people take advantage of that. RM, consciously or not, has been taking advantage of that for years, perhaps his whole life. I refused to play along and may very well have been the first person to stand up to him. And we know how well he handled that.