Saturday Dinner

Maureen Dowd let her conservative brother write her column. He sounds a lot like my mother. Actually, both my parents were at it yesterday. I couldn't tell you whether it was improvisation or strategy, although I know, through dad's own admission, that he agrees with my mother's ideas but not her rabid discourse. The origin of what followed was probably something in between: not carefully planned, but an opportunity eagerly seized upon once it became possible.

They were talking about dad's second aunt, who was a teacher. She had taught both my parents separately, and later introduced them. She also convincingly recited Stalinist rhetoric. How could smart people buy into empty rhetoric, not see through to the totalitarianism behind it? Asked dad. This is why it's so important to study 20th century European history. Perhaps you can tell where this was going.

Onto Hitler, onto how I really should read "Rise and Fall of the Third Reich," which is understandable, not only because it's true but because my parents are close friends with the woman whose late husband wrote it. She's the one mom turns to to write her complaint letters when my efforts prove unsatisfactory. Of course, she also occasionally comes up with stuff like, 'did you know there's a cabal of Jews that sits around plotting world domination? I read it in this circular my friend in Moscow just sent me." But I digress. Dad was talking about Hitler, about how he, too, had Jewish friends, and he, too, realized that he needed to learn to speak well to rally the masses. Those are the most dangerous people, said my parents--those with no ideas but excellent oratory skills. This is why everyone should study 20th century European history. Perhaps at this point, you can tell where this was going, if you didn't before.

I sat silently until I couldn't take it anymore, because I knew nothing good would come of any response on my part. Lots of screaming ensued.

Mom: WHO PAID HIS HARVARD TUITION? I read it in the Investor's Business Daily-- some Saudi businessman! Who bought him his house? He sat and listened to that pastor for twenty years!
A.: So? I've sat and listened to you for twenty years.
Mom: Who paid his Harvard tuition?
A.: Who the f* CARES?
Mom: His friend, whose hero was Mao!
A.: That's not exactly...
Mom: WHO BOUGHT HIS HOUSE? And what about all those tsars??
A.: Actually, the Bush administration had even more "tsars."
Mom: I'm not talking about the Bush administration.
A.: Mom, I'm not having this screaming match with you. Watch less propaganda for a week, and then we can have an adult discussion, like humans.
Mom: Glenn Beck is a hero! He's a truth teller! He's the only one who exposes what the mainstream media won't touch!

***
Mom went to the computer to pay bills. She called me over because she couldn't figure out the answer to one of her security questions. I helped her get around it (by backing out to prompt a different question, to which even I knew the answer). Her electric bill caught my eye.

A.: Why is your electric bill so high?
Dad: All those vacuum cleaners.
Mom: They're battery powered!
A.: Yes, but you're constantly charging them.

Mom: Did your hair get darker?
A.: Probably.
Mom: I mean, it doesn't look bad.
A.: That's a relief.

***
Later in the evening, my parents' friends were in the neighborhood and stopped by for a late tea. One practically tripped over one of mom's vacuums on the way to his seat at the dining room table. At some point he started talking about an in-flight incident in Texas. I let him know that the story that hit the news was wrong, that the guy distorted it, as well as his own "heroic" role, in order to get on Fox News, but the latter never corrected its story.

Thankfully, the subject drifted to something lighter.

Mom: I just don't know how she lives somewhere without Ocean State Job Lot or Xmas Tree Shops.
A.: [Shrug]

After they left, we cleaned up.

Mom: Where did I set the vacuum?
Dad: Everywhere.