Saturday, July 6, 2013

Ladies, do not call him

Karen Salmansohn has some great advice, including such gems as, "don't shop for kiwis in a shoe store." Take that in two ways: (1) some people just don't have what you need, so quit banging at their door, demanding it, and (2) don't take advice from people who don't have what you need. Don't take career advice from someone who doesn't have a job; roll your eyes when obese people lecture you about nutrition; and don't take relationship advice from single people (says the single person about to give relationship advice).

I love my single friends (as I love all my friends). My single friends are so incredibly awesome that it is more on their behalf than on my own--I guess it's on our collective behalf--that I get indignant about singlism, and that I feel like the dudes who are not dating us are missing out.But even though I love my single friends, I needn't take their dating advice.

Yesterday, a couple of friends and I were complaining about the sad state of the dating pool, which sparked a prolonged advice-fest with regard to my dating life. I said I hadn't had met anyone I was interested in since last fall, when my really-off behavior convinced the guy that I was either (1) functionally insane or (2) merely not interested. Or (1.5): maybe I was interested but I was blowing him off because I was busy, which was rude, so dating me wasn't worth it. Afterward, I shot him an e-mail acknowledging that I was not at my best that night but that things were getting less crazy. A week later, he sent me a very polite e-mail back essentially wishing me a nice life. That, my friends, is unmistakable "he's just not that into you." And I take full responsibility for it. If I were to contact this guy, I would just put him in the awkward position of having to politely let me know that he thinks I'm crazy. Besides, I promptly deleted his contact information (I believe in a clean break) and continued to date other people.

I believe solidly in "he's just not that into you." I believe that if a dude likes you, he will ask you out. If he is not calling you, asking you out, etc., he. is. just. not. that. into. you. He's not intimidated by you; he's just not that into you. If he likes you, you don't need to contact him to remind him that you exist. If you ask him out, he may play along because what does he have to lose, or maybe he is interested, but you've basically communicated that he doesn't have to do anything but show up. You're inviting this kind of behavior, early. Women stray from the wisdom of "he's just not that into you" at their peril.

And this isn't just my own baggage speaking; I've seen my friends set themselves up for some bull$hit by guys who are just not that into them but more than content to string them along, because it's easier than just saying "no." Seriously, ladies: let the guys do some work. I mean, you don't have to put them through hoops, but don't offer yourself up on a platter.

But wait--EMK has an addendum:
This advice doesn’t work for every single woman in every single situation with every single guy. Basically, WHD was written for alpha females who want to date alpha males...
Beta guys are the ones who have more kindness than confidence. They’re not nearly as assertive. They’re so passive as to be, well, almost feminine in nature. They are not going to put themselves on the line for rejection until it’s 100% clear that you like them. They would sooner wait to get a written notice in the mail that you’re really, truly interested in them than to follow up too much and potentially make you uncomfortable.
[Note: I'm not endorsing the concept of alpha- and beta-males, especially not in the MRA sense; I'm merely quoting--and borrowing language--to denote more shy, less confident guys. I do not condone the description of such guys as "feminine," not that there's anything wrong with that. Note also that I'm attracted to one such guy.]

Okay, you can call that guy, but make sure that's what the issue is. But don't let him push you around for long. At some point, even the shy guy is going to have to show some initiative. That guy is still a man; he's not a man-child (i.e., an omega male). Cut him some slack, but don't spoon-feed him.


Anonymous said...

"I feel like the dudes who are not dating us are missing out."

I feel like the ladies who are not dating me are missing out too. Yet here we are :(

AyaInTheTriangle said...

Sound Advice! Thanks for writing! - blackgirldating

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