Mom blog analysis

I know I'm not handling my part of this best, either. I know, theoretically, that there's a high road, and that since my mother isn't getting any younger, isn't going to change, doesn't know how to be any way other than how she is. But there's something about the interactions themselves that blocks up the high road for men and always has.

It hit me earlier this evening that my mom and I are having the same personality clashes we've been having my whole life. Mom is an imposing presence; she doesn't read signals or listen to reason. I'm viscerally protective of my boundaries; if I sense that someone's crossing them, an almost-instinctive response takes over.

When I was little, I apparently got mad at my elderly grandmother and turned away from her, wouldn't talk to her. This hurt her and my mom later made me feel bad about it, as well she should have. I don't know whether I would have known better than anyway, but not that much has changed--when someone just doesn't listen (remember RM), I grow a shell and counter-attack. In some ways this is a good thing, but in other ways it's not.

So when mom stops me on my way to brushing my teeth and the conversation starts like this--

Mom: So, I was thinking, for tomorrow, we can start with the dollar store, and then go to that hair supply place on Moody Street, and then--
A.: Okay, let's have this conversation after I brush my teeth.
Mom: I don't know what time the hair place opens--
A.: In a minute, mom.
Mom: We can also go to Goodwill, and then--
A.: LATER, MOM!
Mom: What is wrong with you?
A.: What is wrong with me is that I have something stuck in my teeth and I need to floss it out before I lose my f*ing mind, and I can't think about anything else until I do!

Now, it is true that I technically have discretion over my response, since I'm sure that if the same situation happened at work, I would suffer through the conversation, without snapping. But truth be told, I work with few people who put me in that situation. I mean, I may find myself in such situations, but the added indignity of being held there because the other person doesn't care about what you're saying and just wants to keep talking, is rarely if ever a factor.

That's the long way of saying that my mom can bring out the worst in me and always has, and my worst--my reaction to her--then brings out more of her worst that then brings out more of my worst. I'm not trying to say I couldn't, shouldn't make a conscious effort to break the cycle. I'm just saying it's not easy because it's really f*ing annoying when someone just doesn't listen. But annoying isn't the point. It's that when someone doesn't listen it doesn't exactly inspire you to try harder; it inspires you to try to walk away.

But back to the other points I made earlier: mom isn't getting any younger, isn't going to change, and doesn't know how to be any other way. And she's my mother. So I am going to make an effort to manage my response.