And we're back

A.: Where are the oats? Did you put them back in the shed?
Mom: Probably. What, are you hungry?
A.: Why, yes. It's time for breakfast.
Mom: Who knew.

Mom puts her hands on my stomach.

Mom: You've put on weight, you know.

***
Dad: What are you doing?
A.: Grinding the flax seed. Ooh, I can show you how to make eggs, if you want!
Dad: I prefer that the chickens make my eggs.
A.: But do the chickens prefer it?
Dad: Yes.
A.: Not when they're confined in cages or just shoved together so closely they can't move their wings...
Dad: Do chickens want to move their wings?
A.: Sure they do.
Dad: What did people do 50 years ago when they didn't know what you know?
A.: Factory farming wasn't an issue then.

[Pause]

A.: Oh, my oats are about to boil over...

I turn off the burner. Mom goes to take off the lid.

A.: No, don't...
Dad: How many people does it take to make kasha?
A.: Exactly.

That, my friends, is your second Russian lesson of the week. We're going to reclaim it from the ignorant masses who say "pirogis" and claim that kasha means buckwheat. Kasha is a general term for any kind of porridge. Buckwheat is but one grain from which one can make porridge. I don't care what some people in Ukraine say. Don't tell me kasha means buckwheat. I will not stand for it.

Mom: So, you won't have butter?
A.: No.
Mom: So you won't have mushrooms if I use butter.
A.: Right.
Mom: Then I'm not making you mushrooms.
A.: Okay.
Mom: I can't waste mushrooms on any other kind of cooking oil.
A.: Okay.

[Pause]

Mom: You don't eat cheese, either?
A.: No.
Mom: Total sickness. Had I but known when I drove you to that thing 20 years ago!

***
Dad suggested that mom use olive oil, for some reason unrelated to my veganism. Mom mumbled continuously about how it was just wrong.

Mom: Do you eat salt?

***
Mom: Read Bulgakov! Read Tolstoy! Writing has to come from the heart, not the mind. It's not something you study. It's something that flows!
A.: GO AWAY, MOM! I heard you the first ten times.
Mom: What, I can't talk to you?
A.: No, you can't lecture me about the same ignorant bullshit ten times in the same exact language.
Mom: You're so obnoxious! You've become awful! You've filled your head with idiocy and it's seeping into your every day life! Spend more time at the computer! Idiot!