Making dinner

Mom is very adamant about saving water. Whenever anyone else does the dishes, she yells at them for using too much water. When I visited her friend in Australia, she asked whether I ever did the dishes at my parents' house, and, if so, whether mom actually let me use water. Dad has negotiated with her to allow him free rein in washing coffee cups and wine glasses, which he won't allow her to wash. This was no small feat.

She also, as mentioned earlier, reuses paper towels. God help you, even in a time-sensitive spill situation, if you tear a fresh half-sheet of paper towel, rather than reach into the container of used paper towels.

Here's another thing she does: she opens the fridge doors... and leaves them open for significant stretches of time while she contemplates what she wants to get out of the fridge. This is especially annoying because the fridge lets out an annoying series of (irritating) beeps to alert the offending party that the doors are open and that ice sheets are breaking off from Antarctica.

Mom, taking various things out of the fridge: Did you already use these?
A.: Yes.
Mom: That's not enough--take more!
A.: No. The amount in there is proportional to the salad.
Mom: We want more of these!
A.: Grrrrr... would you people stay out of the salad? And would you close the fridge, already?

Mom continues to open and hold open the fridge.

Fridge: Beep! Beep! Beep!
A.: Mom!
Mom: This is my house and I'll do as I please.
A.: Suit yourself, but you're killing the polar bears.
Mom: Whatever.

Mom: Do you want hummus with dinner?
A.: No, thanks.
Mom: What about...
Fridge: Beep! Beep! Beep!
A.: Mom!
Mom: Aren't you done, yet?

Fridge: Beep! Beep! Beep!
A.: [Deep breath]

Mom: We put feta in the salad. Do you want to put feta in the salad?
A.: I'm happy to set some out for you on a plate so you can put some in yours.
Mom: Feta! Everyone knows it's the healthiest cheese.
A.: [shrug]
Mom: Do you eat onions? Are onions, at least, a part of your diet?
A.: Well, first of all, you've seen me eat onions every day for the last three days. If that's not sufficiently evidentiary for you to answer that question, the next clue would be, "are onions an animal product?"
Mom: You're saying you do eat onions. Well, at least there's that.

[Pause]

Mom, somewhat but not very loudly: V., are you going to have mushrooms?

[Pause]

Mom: Is he upstairs? Or asleep?
A., more loudly: Dad, are you upstairs or asleep?
Dad: I'm pretty sure I'm downstairs.
A.: Are you asleep, then?
Dad: Nope. I'm conversing with you.
A.: Are you going to have mushrooms?

[Dad comes into the kitchen]

Mom, proudly: I reuse paper towels.
A.: You'd do better to close the fridge.
Mom: Do I tell you what to do when I'm in your house?
A.: Absolutely you do.
Mom: I do not! I stay out of your business.
A.: Like hell you do!
Mom: I don't tell you how to run your household.
A.: Yes you do.
Mom: I stay out of your food.
A., to dad: Are you hearing this??
Dad: Leave me out of it. [Leaves]

***
A.: OMG, will you get that ass-clown off the screen!
Dad: Shhh... he's talking about American history.
A.: He doesn't know anything about American history.
Dad: If you were to debate him, he would crush you. You don't understand history.
A.: I have nowhere to go. I think I prefer listening to mom lecture me about dairy.