The family food wars at a simmer

By the way, I'm the first to admit that I'm a pain in the @$$. I don't remember what it was that had my father remark that I was a 'klizma,' but it was probably food related.

***
Last night, before dinner

Mom: Now I'm thirsty rather than hungry.
A.: Why?
Mom: From the toasted walnuts.
A.: Who told you to eat toasted walnuts?? Are you picking toasted walnuts off the salad?
Dad: I'm certainly picking toasted walnuts off the salad.
A.: What am I going to do with you people? Are there any nuts left on the salad?
Dad: The fewer the better, as far as I'm concerned.
A.: Grrrr.

Last night, after dinner--overheard on the phone

Mom: Now she doesn't eat anything normal.

This morning

Dad: I don't get it: oatmeal for breakfast, barley with dinner? You're basically having kasha for every meal.

Kasha is the Russian word for porridge. Don't be fooled by Ukranians or other bull$hitters who tell you "kasha" means buckwheat. That's a load of ignoramus crap.

A.: Yes. I eat grains for every meal. I might make wild rice for lunch, actually. And you have to admit, the barley goes perfectly with mushroom soup.
Dad: It's even better with butter.

Dad: Do you take any of these supplements that your mom has me taking?
A.: No. I don't take supplements, apart from B12, because I eat food.

I am fully aware of how pretentious that sounds, but it's true, so I say it anyway.

Later this morning

Mom: Mmmm... bread with roe and cream cheese... the best thing in the world. Cream cheese, you also disrespect?
A.: I don't eat any sort of cheese. If a cheese ever tempts me otherwise, it isn't going to be cream cheese.
Mom: Well, I have to say, your skin looks great. It looks amazing.
A.: In light of that, might we end the discussion on what I eat and don't eat?
Mom: No! If something is healthy, I can tell you to eat it.

Just now, as I'm blogging
Mom, with her mouth full: What is that thing? That thing Indians eat? Tumeron...
A.: Turmeric.
Mom: Right, it's the healthiest thing ever. It's...
A.: Mom, could you finish chewing and then tell me?
Mom, mouth still full: Ha! Maybe I won't tell you at all, and then you won't know.

[Pause]

Mom: Why did you make so much oatmeal? You know, kasha makes you fat more than anything else.

Mom proceeds to pour half a cup of light cream into her bowl of oatmeal.