It doesn't work that way

I've told you about how reactions to my roommate situation have varied (I won't say "ranged," since it's one or the other, not a spectrum) from "what is your problem? he sounds great" to "I totally hear you." Thankfully, it's mostly the latter. Among the most appreciative of roommate encroachment is Martha, since she's gone through the same thing. She's caught onto the nuances, and is equally perplexed at his belief that somehow pushing the boundaries I've made a point of establishing is going to change things.

This goes back to what I was saying yesterday: obtuse people fascinate me. Don't you wonder whether that aggressive talker on the airplane (a) actually doesn't realize that you don't want to talk or (b) doesn't care? Does he or she think that once the conversation gets going, you'll realize how brilliant and interesting they are, and be thrilled that you decided to talk? Or does your willingness to participate in the conversation not matter at all?

And if it is the latter, i.e., they realize you're not interested, do they rationalize it away? People's ability to rationalize unbecoming behavior is also interesting. I mean, everyone rationalizes to some extent, but it's funny when people think that the imposed upon person is buying their rationalization. How does mom manage to wonder, given her remarkable lack of support, which borders on straight-up hostility, why I don't consult her about things or even tell her about them until she can't do any damage? Maybe it would have been nice to share my anxiety over my job search, or even house hunt, with her, in theory, but she behaves in a way that would make that a very bad idea on my part. Does she realize that? Nope, just hounds me about sharing more.

So this all reminds me of someone I vaguely dated many years ago (by vaguely dated, I mean, spent time with, usually in group settings, without having any conversations about dating, but with a tacit understanding that this was pre-dating, or reconnaissance dating, if you will). It never did progress to actual dating.

He didn't ever seem to want to understand what I wanted to do; he was always more interested in convincing me that I wanted something else. We were at a party at the apartment of mutual friends' and I wanted to move my car, because the snow was really starting to pile up. He came up with some elaborate scheme in which I could just metro back and he'd drive my car over the following day. I wanted none of that. He said, really, he didn't mind. I said, I mind. And so on.

One time, the day before a final exam, he called and asked if I wanted to go to a book fair up in Rockville. I said maybe for a very short time, and that I'd been thinking about going for a walk to clear my head. We agreed to go to the book fair, and then for a walk. We got to the book fair, and after forty-five minutes or so, I suggested we go. Just ten more minutes. Fifteen minutes went by. Just ten more minutes. An hour later, I was livid. I said I'd leave him there, at which point he started apologizing profusely, which just wastes more of one's time. And then he started to overcompensate by offering to go shopping at the adjacent supermarket so that he could help me carry my groceries.

Very parallel to the roommate situation: He didn’t seem to understand that one can’t make up for the one thing someone does want by being overly helpful with the things I don't actually need. No amount of household chores—even useful ones like the wall rack, but especially those with which I genuinely need no help—are going to make up for the fact that the roommate doesn't make a sincere effort at the one thing I ask of him, which is not infringe on my downtime. Now, he backs off, but he still puts the onus on me. And thinks that he can make up for it by being "helpful" around the house. But that's just not the way it work.