More on what some language have to express. I don't know whether y'all checked out Ian Frazier's article about Siberian prison camps, but he talks about the animism he sees in the Russian language. I don't know if it's that, but he has a point: it's a very active language. Nothing's over "done," really; a more common construction is that a pro-dropped 'they' do whatever it is. But animals do get genders, usually, and you would say, about an insect, that "someone" rather than "something" bit you.
Alas, as suspected, Christwire is satire. That only makes it slightly less hilarious.
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