You're more disciplined than I, ETC

Many years ago, I took a really great class (for work) on dealing with difficult people. I graduated from the class determined to use the skills with my mother. That lasted about half a day.

One of the class's teachers said at the beginning that there are at least two situations in which the skills won't work--i.e. when there is risk of physical danger or when you are dealing with someone who is certifiably insane--and then there will be other situations each person will find. Her third situation, she said, was her mother.

In spite of what some of you have suggested, I don't believe my mother is certifiably insane, but I do know that she is immature and emotionally selfish--not in the sense that she doesn't share her emotions, but in the sense that she's more than happy to make her feelings and behavior other people's problem.

The underlying idea of this class was, you cannot change or control the behavior of other people; the only thing you can do to resolve a conflict is to manage yourself. This means a lot of things, including not taking emotional bait, not assigning blame, etc. Believe it or not, the material came pretty naturally to me-- I already had a number of these skills and the class helped me identify them and better manage them. Perhaps that's because I had years of practice in dealing with my mother and other difficult people.

Another concept taught in the class was to get at whatever the argument was really about. For example, years ago, my mother threw a fit because I had New Year's Eve plans with my friends. The subject of mom's fit--it sounds so silly now--"how dare you not stay here and help me clean!" and I was naive enough to engage her at that level and say, "mom, it's 11am; we'll have plenty of time to clean." But here's where I am now: I recognize when the issue is control/jealousy over the time I spend with my friends, but I've not reached the point where I'm willing to call her on it. The thing is, even that helps a little bit, because I'm not keeping us stuck on the red herring issue. It helps to be able to disengage and sometimes ignore her until she's willing to move on.

I'm actually looking forward to her visit--I do like spending some time with my parents--and I'm not dreading it for the following reasons: it's on my turf, so I have more control, and it's in the controlled space of one weekend. Also, at this point I like the house enough that I'm not going to react to her cheap shots at the house. Oh, and I no longer have an automatic shower cleaner for her to mistake for a body wash dispenser.

I'm thinking back to that visit, actually. It wasn't bad, and it would have been even less bad had I not been uber-jetlagged (and had mom not insisted on waking me up early). One of the things that stressed me out was stuff everywhere-- which especially stresses me out when I'm disoriented or in transition (there was also the issue of my having a roommate, and stuff everywhere was just not okay). This is why I unpacked so quickly: the boxes were contributing to my disorientation in a time of stress. In a way, that's why the dryer thing is annoying. I can suck up $155 (the lowest estimate so far from a local plumber) even though I don't feel that I should have to, but having cans of paint, etc., on my dining room table because the old dryer is taking up the space where I'd put a cabinet, is wearing on me. I was so happy to have the house in order... and I will again soon, but I digress.

I was awoken at 4am by shoveling, and got up myself to shovel. Only to find a new layer of snow that I can't be bothered to deal with before I go to work. Although I did just call the snow hotline at work--at the height of laziness, through skype, because I couldn't be asked to get up and get my cell--and we're delayed two hours, so I guess I should get over myself and shovel again. All I have to say is they better clear those delays by the time I'm ready to go on vacation.