How fat am I? Let mom count the ways.

As I "dialed" my parents' number last night--there's no sleek way of saying 'as I hit redial on my cell and waited,' but dialed is like saying "rolling down" a car window, which, by the way, I still do, because my car has power-nothing, but I realize that almost no one else does--but I digress.

Anyway, you know how you develop defense mechanisms, and one of mine is not quite registering the horror of a situation until it's over? Like with RM? But then, you realize how traumatized you are, because you keep thinking about it? Even over the last few weeks, especially when I've had an especially long day, and I was just sitting down to some 'me' time after a day of work/volunteering/cleaning/other errands, I've thought, 'why do I just know he's going to aggressive-talk to me tonight?' And then I breathe a huge sigh of relief because I realize that's no longer possible.

Although I had a moment of panic last night when Marcela e-mailed me with a subject line that asked about a spare bedroom--I was worried that she knew someone who was looking for a room. Which is ironic, because I told her that her mother and/or partner were welcome to stay with me for as long as they needed to while she was settling back in--and I meant/mean it--but I'm not going to live with random people I don't know. But again, I digress.

Just as, sitting down after a long day, I sometimes experience a momentary fear of RM conversational offensive, I've taken to experiencing my own, individual Mom Madness. Now, I often play mental Mom Madness before visits home, but it's recently hit me before phone calls. I'm not sure why this is just happening now--after all, mom was comparatively laid back over the holidays; she only told me I was fat every other day, and only dwelled on it for a few minutes at a time. At the same time, however, she's gotten more creative over the last few months: she's started talking about my weight without having to see me, so distance no longer confers any protection. She can now launch a "you're fat" monologue over the phone. I half expect her to say, "I can tell from the sound of your voice that you've gained weight. There's a different echo to it."

Not only has she crossed that line--she's managed to badger me about my girth without actually having my allegedly gargantuan gut within sight for inspiration--but she's also expanded her repertoire of weight comments, such that I could probably come up with a Mom Madness bracket for weight comments alone. Here are some [actually spoken] themes:

-You've gained weight. [Five minutes later] You've gained weight. [Repeat several times]

-What was I saying? I got distracted by your massive gut. Wow, that thing is HUGE! I completely lost my train of thought. Seriously, that is some stomach you've grown yourself!

-[Enter item of clothing] makes you look fat/makes your butt look big/is too tight.

-Why are you fat? Genetically, you have no reason to be fat. Seriously, why are you fat?

-Lay off the soup/no I will not pass you the bread/you've had enough grapes.

-Have I mentioned that you've gained weight?