When laziness goes wrong

A.'s internal monologue: I'm tired. It looks cold. I do have frozen vegetables.

[Five minutes later]

Why are they still not cooking? Set them on "high." I'm bored. Time to get the paper. There's so much f*ing trash out here--I'd better pick some of it up.

[Three seconds later, the front door slams shut. And locks.]

Zoolander moment: good thing I wore underwear today.

Maybe Gracie could let me in. There's the whole opposable thumbs issue. Better see if my neighbors are home. They're probably asleep. You have no choice, unless you want the spinach and peppers on the stove to burn your house down.

Note to self: make sure the bottom lock is unlocked when you don't have the key.