RM update (drama level: high)

I'd thought things with RM were going well; there were a couple of small things here and there that I happily let go of because they weren't worth it. For example, I was very excited to come home Saturday afternoon to cleaned bathrooms--this is admirable, but not heroic, considering that he lives here and it's the first time he's ever cleaned them (I give them a cursory clean every weekend but it's been a few weeks since they were thoroughly scrubbed). So I was thrilled. Until I noticed that he broke my foam soap dispensers by filling them entirely with soap. Which is particularly silly since they have fill lines on the outside showing how much to fill them with soap and how much to fill them with water. But whatever. I didn't care that much-- the only reason I even mention it is that it fits the general pattern of what's been slightly frustrating, which is that he continues to guess when he should just ask. Like, ask me where I keep the lightbulbs, instead of shoving them into the dresser in the hallway, where I only found them by accident. Again, not a big deal in the scheme of things, and it was nice of him to buy lightbulbs, so I let it go. But as I said there's a bigger pattern here besides the soap dispensers and the lightbulbs: in a way, he's still trying to "surprise" me. I welcome that the form of these attempted surprises is practical rather than creepy (as characterized by naval uniforms and inappropriate birthday gifts), but the thing is, for you to surprise someone and for the surprise to have a positive effect, you have to know the person pretty well. Otherwise, you're asking for trouble. But I digress.

The much bigger drama stemmed from the other big underlying issue that I'd thought I could correct on the surface, which is his confusion about the nature of our relationship. He still apparently thinks of me in a daughterly/sisterly way; apparently, he can't help it. And he still takes it personally when I do my own thing-- there's some expectation on his part that I interact with him on a level that is beyond cordial.

This came out on Sunday morning, which started out with his acting kind of sheepishly. His behavior was similar to that displayed right before our discussion about a month ago. I wracked my brain to think of what I could have done this time to upset him.

He asked if we can talk, said he had some great news for me: the roommate of a friend of his has moved out, and asked him if he wanted to move in. I asked why he thought I’d think that was great news, and he goes on about how he feels like he’s in my way and he overcompensates because he’s “too considerate.”

Now, before I go on with the funny-because-it's-preposterous part of this story, I realize that this is some mixture of genuine feeling and manipulation to see if he can break the lease without the penalty stipulated in said lease by making it sound like I want him to move out. Not gonna happen. I told him that if he wants to move out—if he thinks he’d be happier elsewhere—that’s fine, but not to do it on my account. Which is true: since I’m not going to get another roommate, I’d rather just put up with him for another few months. He’ll decide by tomorrow.

Anyway, I pressed for what he meant by "too considerate." He offered the exampleof tiptoeing around if he comes in after I’ve gone to bed, which I don’t find “too considerate”—just common courtesy when you live with someone. After all, I tiptoed last night to avoid waking him when I got home after 11pm. It's the other example, however, which is priceless:

That very morning, I’d left for a quick bike ride and left the back door open. He was already up so I figured he’d close it if he were to go out. Which he does when he leaves for his run, but then he thinks, “what if she didn’t take her key?” and comes back from his run to be home in case I didn’t have my key. And jumps rope instead, and then, when he sees me return, goes for his run again. And that’s how considerate he is.

He probably expected gratitude or some sense of awe on my part at his considerateness, but I just looked at him incredulously. I didn’t actually say, that’s not considerate; that’s being the parent I don’t need in this house.

I mean, I guess I appreciate the thought, but it was so insanely unnecessary; unlike him (because that's what he pulled a couple of months ago), I would never leave without a key and count on my roommate to not leave the house unless I asked him first.

I’m responsible for myself. Feeling like he needs to be a parent is not the same as being considerate.

I could go on about how maybe I'm particularly insensitive to this line of logic because my mother regularly assumes incompetence on my part and does unnecessary things to compensate for the assumed incompetence, at best creating extraneous work for herself and at worse making things worse, but you (the five of you who read regularly) already know all that. This isn't even about mom, or my mom baggage. This is just his being ridiculous.

I find the behavior itself a combination of somewhat endearing and unnecessary. I find the fact that he declares it as evidence of his overwhelming considerateness just plain comical.