RM ramble

RM and I have an understanding--this one is neither tacit nor confined to my head--that whichever one of us locks up in the evening, locks up completely. I.e. if I hear him turn on the alarm, I am to know that he's also closed the back door and the window in the kitchen, and let Gracie in. Letting Gracie in is important--she's declawed and defenseless, and there are animals (possums, etc.) around.

Guess who left Gracie out last night? Now she's (understandably) extra-clingy.

***
Sunday night

B.: It sounds like neither of you should have a roommate.
A.: I've always lived with a roommate. But I'm not getting another one when he moves out-- too much chance of disaster.
M.: I think you can get around that by a carefully-written ad.
A.: I did that this time.
M.: I don't know... I've had plenty of roommates, too...
A.: Yes-- and one of them stalked you.
M., nodding: ...true. [Pause] That's true.

***
When we talked on Sunday, one of his reasons for thinking about moving--the thinking was brought about by his friend's offer of a room, but he initially rejected said offer, then decided to think about it--was that we are so different and have such different lifestyles and it's not "fair" of him to live his lifestyle in my house. I told him that I didn't expect him to live my lifestyle, that my jurisdiction, for lack of a better term, didn't extend to his lifestyle. I mean, if his lifestyle entailed bringing in a different crack-wh*re every night, that would be one thing; but the stuff that doesn't affect me, doesn't affect me, and I would never take it upon myself to influence or dictate his lifestyle. It occurred to me then that the attempted aping of my eating habits was part of an attempt to adapt his lifestyle to mine. This was another situation where he was expecting some kind of acknowledgment that he was trying hard on my account, based on some mistaken assumption of what I expected from him.

Meanwhile, the things I *did* ask of him--recycling, cleaning out the crumb tray--fell short of my expectations. And that's just it: that's all I wanted from him--be a good roommate, but be your own person.

For him, he still can't get over this 'we live together but we're not family' thing. He said as much on Sunday. He's used to being the dad, used to taking care of everyone.

The other "meanwhile"--the complement to not doing some of the things I ask--is that there are some things that would be nice. Like the other morning, he was making coffee in the automatic coffeemaker, and I thought, it would be nice if he offered to make a cup for me. I mean, all it takes is putting in more coffee (and for a while he was using my coffee, before he bought his own). But he didn't. Maybe because he didn't think too (so much for being too considerate), maybe because he thought that offering me a cup of coffee would be another thing I'd take as an assault on my boundaries.

Which is why in a way, he's right: we are very different. So different that we don't function in a rule-based system, because we have entirely different understandings of the rules. Everything has to be explicitly deemed okay or not okay, because he and I cannot seem to come to a shared understanding of what works.

Maybe I do want him to move out. We'll see.