Breakfast

But first, breakfast yesterday

A.: Could you please not talk with your mouth full?
Mom: Why not?
A.: Because.
Mom: Seriously, why? Is it an aesthetic thing?
A.: Well, yes, I suppose. It is very unpleasant to watch.
Mom: Well, then, don't watch.

Then, this morning

A.: Mom, please don't talk with your mouth full.
Mom: I had something to say.
A.: Well, say it after you finish chewing.
Mom: You'll have moved on to a different subject.

The subject we were on was lactose intolerance. My parents think I'm full of shit because I told them that most of the earth's population doesn't digest lactose.

Dad: Tell that to the people in the country side around where we grew up.
A.: Those people are white. White people, by genetic mutation, are less prone to lactose intolerance than people of other races.
Mom: It sustains babies.
A.: They often grow out of it.
Dad: What does race have to do with it?
A.: Genetics. Biology.
Mom: What does biology have to do with it?

At that point, I got up to blog.

***
Over the last few days, I've been amazed at my parents' parallel grasp of things. And not just because they watch Fox News--I don't mean political things-- although FN did come out with a gem yesterday that I couldn't help but overhear in the next room.

Anchorwoman: In a major setback in the War on Terror, Pakistan is moving troops away from the border with Afghanistan...

A., to herself: Okay, shithead, I hate to break it to you, but if Pakistan and India go to (hot) war, we'll have bigger problems than the manufactured concept that is the war on terror.

But I digress.

Over the last few days, my parents and I have had conversations about a number of non-political things. Like bill pay. It took forever to convert my dad to online bill pay, and he insists on writing down confirmation numbers. Then, yesterday, the refi issue came up again.

Dad: Why are they sending an appraiser?
A.: I imagine because the value of the house impacts the level of risk. If it's worth less than the amount of the loan, that wouldn't be good for the bank.
Mom: What does risk have to do with interest rates?
A.: A lot.

I did not commit to memory the back and forth of the rest of this conversation, but it was painful.

Then,

Mom: I don't think they gave you a very good rate. They're giving out 3.5.
A.: There has never been a mortgage rate of 3.5 percent.
Mom: There's never been a mess like now.
A.: In a mess like now, banks are not going to make credit easier or less expensive. Would you underwrite, in this real estate market, a home loan of 3.5 percent? Would you invest in one?

And back to this morning

Mom: Your friends who live near you--is their house normal-sized?
A.: It's about the same... probably a bit bigger.
Mom: Really?
A.: It's a city, mom. The houses are not huge.
Mom: This is a city.
A.: I mean, there are huge houses in Alexandria; that is beyond dispute. But they are generally farther from the city center and farther from the metro.
Mom: Who needs to live near the metro?
A.: I guess among people who don't work, no one.
Mom: Well I guess if you're single it makes sense.
A.: I'm not sure what that has to do with it, but when I was house shopping, proximity to the metro was perhaps the single most important factor, and for what it's worth, many house-hunting couples I know were looking for that as well.

Besides, I don't *need* a bigger house. Unlike mom, I don't spend my free time acquiring crap that I then need to find room for. I like the fact that the relative lack of storage space in the house forces me to think carefully about what I acquire and keep. I've said as much. The message isn't going through.

Mom: Do you need a vacuum sealer?
A.: No.
Mom: How are you going to preserve frozen and marinated mushrooms?
A.: I guess I'm not.
Mom; Do you need...
A.: No. I don't need anything, apart from an oven rack. Oh, and a circuit tester. Thanks for reminding me.

***
I'm not sure why mom is having so much trouble understanding the state of the Washington area property market. To put things in perspective, a recent article in the Post referred to "homes in the "middle range" of prices, $500,000 to $700,000."

That's "middle range." Middle. Range. We are not in Kansas (no offense).

In case you were wondering, what constitutes middle range in the Washington area is not within my price range. Therefore my house is on the smaller side. If I say so myself, it's pretty impressive that I was able to buy it at all. So maybe mom could start thinking about it from that perspective, rather than harping about how small it is, which, since I have not made a second career of crap collection, is not an issue for me.

Bob Herbert sums it up nicely: "We need to start living within our means and get past the nauseating idea that the essence of our culture and the be-all and end-all of the American economy is the limitless consumption of trashy consumer goods."

Mom has the first half of that down... but living within our means doesn't mean buying limitless trashy consumer goods and cluttering your house with them just because they're cheap, and finding it hard to understand why anyone wouldn't need a basement.