That was some visit

Mom wouldn't come to the airport, but she came downstairs--not to say goodbye, but to lecture me again.

Mom: It pains me that you are this way. Cold. So cold. I'm sorry that your destiny is to be lonely, but that is the only possibility when someone is so cold and selfish. I do have one last bit of advice for you: read St. Exupery.

A.: I've read a lot of St. Exupery, mom.

Mom: See! There you go! Always having to be right.

(Pause.)

Mom: And here's what else I will tell you: I have never fallen out with anyone close to me, until now?

A.: And I have?

I said that, even though I could have said, "like hell you haven't!"

From the airport, I IMed Nina to let her know that mom invoked her as a free spirit whom I would do well to emulate. In response to what mom had said about never having fallen out with anyone, Nina wrote, "Oh, A., she's really just mentally ill." See, mom almost fell out with Nina's dad a year or so ago, over something incredibly stupid and imagined (and in some ways, similar: his not hopping to with enough fervor the moment she asked for a favor).

I didn't contact Nina with the purpose of soliciting sympathy or validation, but Nina provided it nonetheless.  She pointed out that mom "has always tried to control you; you miraculously broke free of that and became your own amazing person and for her controlling personality that is f*ing hell to deal with." She also pointed out that mom had earlier invoked her (Nina) to get a rise out of me. This did not occur to me because it was an entirely counterproductive way to do it; "why can't you be more like Nina" may have worked when we were kids, but now the answer is obvious: because we're different people. And I take happiness and inspiration, not jealousy, in Nina's happiness and successes. Ultimately, I signed off feeling much better, having promised Nina at her request that I wouldn't believe an ounce of what my mom said about me.

***
The control thing is key. Can we parse mom's words for a minute: I live by my own, self-imposed rules. What the hell does that even mean? It can only mean that I live the way I want to, not the way she thinks I should. Not eating animal products isn't a rule; it's a preference. Do I mess with her preference for hoarding paper towels?

It's also striking how mom has come closer to the textbook definition of "abusive." To say that I have no one else, that I'm hopeless and doomed, that I have no real friends, etc. is to say "you need me. You better submit to me because you have no one without me." Which is abuse.

And then, there are other types of manipulation. She kept repeating, "I can only imagine how you destroyed that poor boy," and I kept saying, "imagine away," without taking the bait. So she finally said that my apparently defensive response proved that she was right. I shrugged. Like I said, I've taken ownership of what I could have done differently in that relationship (which would still not have saved it), and I don't owe her any explanations or justifications.

I wish I could be more supportive of my mother in her time of old age and associated health issues. I would like to be. But I can only take so much $hit. I will only subject myself to so much $hit. If that makes me selfish, so be it.