Good thing we didn't have asparagus

As is often the case with my parents' dinner parties, I don't know where to start. Perhaps more dinner preparation shennanigans?

A.: Mom, how much cauliflower do you want?
Mom: Whatever.
A.: Should I cut up the whole thing? There's about a fourth of the head left.
Mom: Sure.

Five minutes later

Mom: A.! A.! That's too much cauliflower! What am I going to do with all that cauliflower??

***
Latkes are such that the host is required to constantly run back and forth between the kitchen and dining room to fry and serve them. This conferred a hidden advantage: Mom was not regularly seated with us for the first half-hour or so of the meal. When she did join us, proceeded to talk with her mouth full. It was painful.

Mom ran back into the kitchen just as we were about to have a drink for Nina [with whose parents we were dining], to her continued success. From there, she said: "May she continue to ignore everything her father says, do what she wants." Dad replied, "When Sasha said the same to you about A., you told him to go to hell." At this, Mom went off on a rant in the kitchen. I'm not sure exactly what she said, but there was some reference to one or other of my career choices and how I should have listened to her.

The psychology thing kind of came up later. We were talking about another family friend--the daughter of my parents' friends, who is about my age-- who would genuinely benefit from therapy.

Mom: I found a psychologist for her-- one approved by [some new age healer that she pays attention to], but they wanted none of it.
Natasha: I know of a psychologist...
Mom: I took her [indicating me] to a psychologist. That went well.
N.: Huh?
Mom: They charged me $60-- can you believe that? And told me my daughter wouldn't mentally progress past the age of 4.

I'm not sure which upset her more.

Oh, there was a fit at some point. But I'll get to that in a minute.

We got to talking about honey.

N.: My granddaughter loves raspberry honey. She can eat an entire small jar.
A.: I really like lavender honey but it's hard to find here.
Mom: Irina had an entire hive, but it attracted bears and the neighbors complained.
Misha told a story about bears showing up at a campground.
A.: A few years ago I went camping in Shenandoah. We were just about to go to sleep when I needed something that was in my friend's backpack. She tossed me the backpack, and as I went through it, I found a bag of gorp. Can you believe that?? I said, "are you out of your mind?? are you trying to get us killed?" She said, "what if I get hungry at night?" I couldn't believe it.
Mom: Just like you to be rude to everyone.
A.: This spring we went camping on Assateague Island, with the wild horses. The first night was especially windy and I thought there might have been horses trying to break into our tent, but the noise was a combination of wind and drunk people who couldn't find their tent.
N.: Where are there horses?

I told her about Assateague, and how Nina has always wanted to go there. Dad suggested I show her pictures of the horses, so I did. As I scrolled through to the album, I went past the wound photo, but not before she saw it.

Do you know how with some people, you know that something will almost always come up in conversation? Maybe three words in, I knew where this was going.

N.: You know, I cut myself really badly once, and for some reason, we couldn't be admitted into the emergency room. Do you know how I healed myself?

Yes, I knew.

N.: With urine! And you wouldn't believe the result. There's no scar-- I can't even remember which had I'd cut. It's amazing. Had they admitted me, I'd have a scar, like you do. But I healed myself with urine, and I have no scar. It really does work!

***

Back to dinner (well, actually, tea and dessert). I'll spare you the Soviet horror stories.

Misha: You don't remember me at all from those days?
A.: No.
Mom: She doesn't remember anything from those days.
Misha: I remember she was running around while we were having that argument over the diamonds.
A.: What argument?
Mom: She has the ring now.
A.: No, I have the earrings. You have the ring.
Misha: It was too risky. I can't believe you did that.
A.: What happened?
Mom: I wasn't going to let them have my grandmother's ring!
A.: WHAT HAPPENED?
Misha: I'm trying to tell you. Anyway, we were all watched very closely in those days. As you know, I wasn't allowed to leave for nine years. The government made things difficult for everyone for the sake of making everything difficult for everyone. I remember when we did finally get to leave, they made everyone walk long distances-- to make everyone's elderly mothers walk long distances. Anyway, you weren't allowed to take valuables.
Mom: These diamonds were old! Carbon-dated! Nobody cared.
A.: Mom!
Mom: There was never any danger...
A.: I'm trying to listen to what actually happened, not whether or not...
Mom: DON'T YOU INTERRUPT ME! DON'T EVER INTERRUPT ME!
A.: You're the one that's interrupting!
Mom: You are SO rude! [More fit-throwing]
Misha: Anyway, your mother was determined to take them with her, but had they caught her, she-- and you all-- would have certainly gone to jail.
Mom: They couldn't have caught me.

Well, I'm glad we didn't end up in jail. And that Mom didn't accidentally throw out the jewelry that she'd risked jail smuggling out of the Soviet Union, like she thought she did (and accused me of that being my fault, since I was supposed to remind her that she'd put it in the fridge wrapped in a paper towel--i.e. when she couldn't find it, she remembered that she'd thrown out some rotten food wrapped in a paper towel, that must have actually been the jewerly... and she had told me to remind her that she'd wrapped it thus, but I didn't... because she never did. She later found the jewelry in a safe).

It was a fun night. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pee on my arm.