Sunday, February 7, 2010

Sunday morning roundup

Karaoke is apparently a blood sport in the Philippines--one that creates a niche market for gay men, to boot.

Amy Wilentz writes that the aftermath of the earthquake shows how far Haiti's come since Baby Doc fled twenty-four years today.

This coming Thursday marks another meaningful anniversary for freedom. I recommend you read all the brief (and very poignant) statements linked in that article, but I'll single out this especially articulate, compelling piece. I have to ask out loud, as much as part of me wants to keep out the snark, how the Tea Partiers fancy themselves freedom fighters.

More locally, the storm has screwed with just about everyone.

Oh, Lori Gottlieb. I understand the point you're trying to make, and I *still* disagree with you, kind of. I mean, I agree with what I think you mean, i.e. it would behoove women, and men--because everything you say applies to men as well (they can get lonely, crave companionship, and reject women who don't look 'perfect')--to redefine their idea of Mr. or Ms. Right. But I think all too often women make the opposite mistake, too, and you're dwelling on women being too picky--because you've been too picky--but the grass is always greener, and single women like you can write about how you wish you'd "settled" but you'll find few married women--among those miserable in their marriages--admitting that they wished they'd thought more carefully about whom they'd chosen to share a life with. At least we do have women who divorce, like Jenny Sanford, to offer that perspective. But wait, apparently, you don't think this settling stuff applies to men. Sorry, I think you're full of $hit (well, I can only speak for myself, and I would rather be single).

Here's where I do agree with her: we should be to decouple, in our discourse, loneliness from desperation (and from gender). Friends have reported feeling guilty, from an independent woman perspective, for wanting to be in a relationship. There's nothing anti-feminist about wanting companionship (like I said, men do it, too), just like there's nothing anti-feminist about being mindful about what you eat. No one should get slammed for having a full life and yet acknowledging that it might be more fulfilling with a partner (see Sonya Sotomayor). And here's where I'll reiterate what I said in the previous paragraph: it won't be more fulfilling with just any partner. Yes, by all means, let go of the Adonis thing, but stick to your standards, if they're reasonable, for character, and never, ever compromise those because you'll end up just as lonely except with a huge, hard-to-get-rid-of burden in your life in the form of another person.

1 comment:

Ernessa the Happy Feminist said...

Oh my God, dude. Do you know how much I have to do today? Do you have any idea? Yet, here I am compelled to leave a comment, b/c while doing my morning google reader duties, yours was the one post I agreed with the most.

Lori Gottlieb drives me CRAZY. She says these things and my first reaction is, HOW WOULD YOU KNOW????

That's it. How would she know what it's like to have settled for a person that she is not truly in love with? How would she know what it would be like to raise kids with him? Also, my husband, who(m?) I love dearly, doesn't just change diapers and encourage me in my career but after the baby is asleep and the TV is turned off and the MIL is told goodnight, we talk for about a half an hour or so before going to sleep. I have dated plenty of people I did not have that dynamic with and I know that I would be divorced right now if I had married any of them.

Here's the thing about settling: it's unsustainable. Only a very few people can do it their whole lives, but most people can't do it for more than a few years, yet people are always encouraging others to do so. It's insane.

Also, thanks for touching on the feminism issue of marriage. I think you are exactly right. There is nothing wrong with finding companionship because you are lonely. In many ways we are biologically wired to want companionship. However, desperation is no good. In fact, right before I met my husband, I took three months off from dating, b/c I kept on making bad choices and I felt like I needed to become okay with being alone in order to find my desired companion, if that makes any sense. My conclusion after the hiatus: Be more picky. No more accepting more dates after red flags were thrown out. No more dating men w/o a college degree or men who didn't read or men who weren't up on current events or men who were on the opposite side of the religious spectrum from me or men who didn't like sci-fi. And I decided that if having high standards meant I was going to be alone for quite a while, then that was cool. But high standards only helped me to date with purpose. And a month after coming out of my self-imposed dating hiatus, my husband asked me out.

Now I even extend that philosophy to people who have what I feel to be ridiculous beauty standards. If a guy really feels that he won't be happy with anyone but a beauty queen or a women wants somebody from the NYFD calendar, who are we to tell them to lower their standards? Let's just agree that we're all adults here and know what we would like in a companion. Anyway this is all to say that I find Gottlieb patronizing and I don't consider her a good authority on the subject.

I remember when my regular doctor told me last year during my physical that I didn't need to take all the mothering books too seriously, b/c the fact is that I will be the real expert on my baby, b/c I spend the most time with her. That is the truest thing anyone has ever told me about motherhood. And I wish women would just admit that everyone has their own path and there's no catch-all formula that will work for everyone -- though I using "He's Just Not That Into You" as the dating basics is a great idea.

Oh, and one more thing: I thought of you when I saw this article in the NYT about serving sizes. As someone who actually looks at nutrition information, this drives me crazy and I'm glad the FDA might finally be calling companies out on this.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/06/business/06portion.html?sudsredirect=true