Gift-themed ramble

As I've succumbed to blog creep, a number of recurring themes have emerged beyond 'mom' and things Jewish and Russian: things single, public transportation etiquette, gifts. I was thinking about this last one recently because with the gift I told you about in the roundup, there are now two wallets I'm complimented on whenever I whip out either. Also, Wendy came bearing gifts--which she totally didn't have to do--and they are lovely/useful. Actually, some of the best books that I've read over the last few years were gifts (many from Wendy, too)--books worth their weight in gold because I'd never have picked them up on my own, yet I'm very happy to have read them. And while gifts that are great really are great, I genuinely believe in it's-the-thought-that-counts--and the thought adds value to the gift. [Those of you who have already figured out that this is going to lead to a few swipes at RM can pat yourselves on the back]. Not only do I love the wallet that Marcela gave me, but I love that my friend was thinking of me on her vacation, and I love that my friend, with a fabulous sense of style, knew me well enough to pick out something I would love. I thanked Marcela again for the wallet, and she wrote, "I definitely put thought into something that you would like instead of some knick knack that would just collect dust." Which means a lot. When I look at the things on my shelves and walls, they reflect that thought--they reflect my friends--as well as my own travels and experiences. Need I bring up the contrast between the beautiful Bohemian crystal that Heather brought me from Prague, and the conference freebie imitation crystal that RM placed on the dresser in the upstairs hallway, in imitation? The former reminds me of a friend who is far away, and the latter creeps me out (and yet the hoarder in me can't bring myself to toss it--it'll be in my next Freecycle box).

You don't always get gifts right, even when you try, but even having the right idea in mind makes a huge difference. It's funny because I hate to slam people for any kind of gift--especially because my mother slams people for almost any kind of gift--and yet I love slamming RM for everything gift related that he ever did--mainly the fact that he continued to give them after I made it clear that doing so was inappropriate, but also the fact that the gifts themselves were completely inappropriate. It goes back to the idea that it's the thought that counts--in his case, the thought was misguided. In the vein that I was annoyed with RM for trying to manufacture intimacy--and I just mean platonic intimacy--I was duly annoyed at his gift giving to that end. That epiphany that hit as I was returning home from a friend's party--it was the week after the pearl earrings incident, so RM's manufactured intimacy was on my mind--I was thinking of how long I'd known the friend, the fun things we'd been through together, and also how he was there when I had a minor breakdown after an overdue but fraught breakup, and how RM thought he could just pop into my life and decide that we were close friends. And further that with regular (and inappropriate) gifts.

Going back to what Marcela said, and to the other beautiful/useful/readable things that people have given me that now have a home in the house, the best gifts are not only about the thought, but reflect thought, and also reflect actual friendship: they (often) work because the givers know you well and know what you would want to display/use/read. To give not-quite-credit where it's due, RM later told me, the first time we had it out--after he first saw the dissonance in our respective concepts of the roommate relationship--he put a lot of thought into the earrings: he described me to the person at the jewelry counter in order for that person to suggest an apt gift. In that case, the 'thought' needed to take a step back (and the person behind the counter, if provided the right amount of detail, should have told him not to get his roommate jewelry). Do you know how sick to my stomach I felt when I opened that box? It really was worse than when he tried to give me a foot massage.

I realize that not every needs to be deeply thought out. The baked goods I gave my neighbors for the holidays and the gift card I gave the mail carrier, who can't receive cash, were intended to convey community rather than friendship. But when I do choose gifts for friends, I think about them--who they are and what they may find useful. The gifts reflect my having thought about the recipients, as people. Of course, you're not always right and you'll occasionally choose something that will collect dust--all you can do is try. The whole point of this ramble is that gifts reflect a relationship, not the other way around. I hated RM's gifts because they reflected his attempt to manufacture a relationship. I love my friends' gifts because they reflect who they are, who I am, and the connection and understanding between the two. And I love when I get a gift right for the same reason. Then again, I'd never know, because, as mom would say, they're probably just being polite.