RM redux

Most of you don't know this--I haven't blogged about it--but over the last few months, I found myself in an RM-like situation. In other words, I found myself connected in some way with an individual who consistently infringed on my boundaries, wanted more from me (in time, attention, and emotion) than I was willing to reciprocate, and lashed out when I refused to play the part in his life that he unilaterally designated for me. As with the RM situation, I thought I could manage it, i.e., reason with the guy and explain why his behavior was inappropriate and trust him to adjust his behavior to match the relationship we actually had (roommate and friend) rather than the relationship he wanted. In both cases, I repeatedly asked the guy to stop giving me things and doing me unsolicited favors, and in both cases, the guy refused to comply only to act wounded when I failed to appreciate the very thing I asked him not to do. A random, bizarre parallel is that both of these dudes--by now I've come to the conclusion that RM was at least kind-of hitting on me (I know, I'm slow)--managed to be incredibly condescending and big-brotherly even while pursuing some kind of delusional romantic connection.

The parallels were striking; I found myself, even a month ago, telling the RM story long after I'd let it go, only to draw comparisons to the newer story. And perhaps it was the precedent of the RM story that made me realize that I had to just cut this guy out, because no amount of reasoning was going to get through his thick skull; as long as he had an in into my world, he would see it as a challenge to get through to me. The parallel with RM made me realize I had to get out, because this dude was draining my emotional energy.


In both cases, I realized in retrospect that I let the situation get too far because I didn't want to be presumptuous. I didn't want to call the other person out, only to have him say (as RM did), "but I'm just trying to help. I'm just a nice guy." I've had to think about, with this latest situation, how it would have been totally acceptable the first time this guy--a friend of mine--pulled something that raised red flags, to say, "when you do that, it makes me uncomfortable." That's not presumptuous. That's not, "you seem to think we're in a relationship, and I don't want you to think we're in a relationship." I could have just said, "you probably don't realize this, but the way you're speaking about us makes it sound like we're in a relationship, and that makes me uncomfortable."

There was one really interesting difference: whereas some of my friends and family took RM's side, the people I told about BE immediately thought he was nuts (which I still don't think he is; I think he's just childish and stupid). Two very different people, upon hearing the stories, said, "how old is he? he hasn't figured out this boundary stuff by now?" Others, who were familiar with the RM saga, essentially said, "he seems slightly smarter than RM, but you really should quit trying to reason with him and just cut him out of your life, because he's never going to get it."

***
And that last thing brings me to the bigger issue, which was kind-of prompted by that Forbes article on avoiding emotional traps. It's an indirect connection, but reading it made me think of both of these guys and how different they were from me: specifically, how differently they thought. Their ways of processing information are foreign to me, and so mine must be foreign to them. In the case of this second guy, I was continually taken aback at how everything was personal to him. If I said, "that person could do this thing better," his response was, "But I like her." To which my response is, "who gives a $hit." To me, it was about the impact; to him, it was about the person. This was a theme throughout our many (legitimate) interactions. (Just as RM and I had legitimate interactions by virtue of sharing a living space, BE and I had legitimate interactions by virtue of being involved in the same projects). He made what were to me glaring errors in judgment, such as recruiting highly unqualified people who would in no way be able to get the job done, because he had a soft spot for them. This became a boundary issue--doubly so--when he expected me to adopt his loyalties as my own (doubly because those loyalties were first of all immaterial to whatever the issue at hand, and second because his loyalties were immaterial to me, period).

I brought BE up in conversation with one friend over Thanksgiving, in the context of some people just being so different that it's almost healthy to have to deal with them once in a while. We're in a bubble where people are mostly smart, professional, and pragmatic. My friends are mostly cerebral, rational, and mature. I guess there are benefits to being reminded that there's a stew of humanity out there, but man, I just feel that much more lucky to be surrounded by grown-ups most of the time.