Mom is back

I called an hour or so ago to tell my mom about the inspection. She picked up, talked about a house she looked at (she's not really shopping; she just likes looking). She told me that it dropped in price by $100,000 in a week, but that she still wasn't interested. This went on for many minutes. Eventually there was a pause.

A.: I had the inspection today.
Mom: Why didn't you say anything?
A.: Because you were telling me...
Mom: Whatever. So how did it go?
A.: It went really well. All the really important stuff is pretty new and in great condition. Unfortunately, the water heater only has a year or so left, but...
Mom: Oh, water heaters aren't expensive and...
A.: Yeah, I'm open to replacing it with a water/energy saving system anyway. Other stuff... the dishwasher is broken but they have to fix it or credit me for it, but I'm not worried.
Mom: Oh, you need a dishwasher.
A.: I really don't.
Mom: Yes, you do. Our dishwasher...
A.: It just takes up space. The kitchen is pretty small...
Dad: Smaller than ours?
A.: Yes. By half. Everything is "smaller than ours."
Dad: Oh.
A.: It's a reality of living in the city. On my income, anyway. Anyway, the layout can be improved.
Mom: When we moved in to this house, the kitchen was practically in the middle of the floor. The oven was...

I had to cut her off. It's been a long day and I'm too tired for a detailed narrative about everything's counterpart in her house, which is where, I could tell, this was going.


A.: Anyway, most importantly, I really like the house. I got to spend a lot of time there while the inspection was happening. I love the downstairs and both yards. The upstairs is just okay but once I settle in and recover financially I can deal with that.
Mom: It's unfortunate that you have no basement.
A.: I consider it very fortunate. Like I have told you, basements here flood. Also, not having one keeps me from accumulating crap.
Mom: I don't know where I'd put all my stuff if I didn't have the basement...
A.: Exactly.
Mom: I told Misha. He said you need to put in another bathroom, especially if you're going to get a roommate. He said, "how is it that two people will share one bathroom?"
A.: There is a half-bathroom downstairs.
Mom: Right, but he was talking about the shower.
A.: Is he for real? I've shared bathrooms and showers my whole life. Which one of us lived for decades in Soviet communal housing? What's going on here?
Mom: That's exactly what I told him.
A.: This is a really good buy. The inspector was telling me...
Mom: What does he know?
A.: Will you LET ME FINISH my sentence?
Mom: Don't believe what the realtor tells you.
A.: First of all, it was the inspector. What's that noise?
Mom: We're watching Glenn. We love Glenn.
A.: Ooh-- watch the Daily Show tonight, it was really funny.
Mom: What's that? What time?
A.: You know the Daily Show.
Mom: Oh, we have more mushrooms. I froze them and will make them when you're here. Such an excellent source of protein.
A.: Mom, we've discussed this. Mushrooms are health but they are not a good source of protein.
Mom: Yes they are. What are they then?
A.: I don't have the energy to have this conversation with you right now.
Mom: Okay, bye.
A.: Bye.


Five minutes later, my phone rings.

Mom: IT'S JON STEWART? YOU TOLD ME TO WATCH THAT?? THAT BIASED NONSENSE? IT'S BITTER, IT'S RIDICULOUS! HE LIES! HE GLORIFIES THAT MAN THAT YOU ALL WORSHIP, WHO HAS TIES TO FANNIE AND FREDDIE...
A.: Actually, mom, McCain's campaign team is the one with ties to...
Mom: THAT'S NOT TRUE.

She goes on. And on. I almost wish I hadn't tuned her out so I could relay the rant in its full glory, but I had my sanity to think about. This would actually upset me more if my parents' vote counted, but they live in Don't-Blame-Me, I'm-From-Massachusetts, so they can rant all they want.

A.: I have to go; it's been a long day. Goodnight, mom.
Mom: Goodnight.