Wednesday evening ramble

Do you guys remember that askers vs. guessers divide we talked about in January? What I'm about to ramble about is only indirectly related to it. One of the points was that if you're going to ask someone about something directly, which is my preference, you're not going to press it; if the person is not interested, you let it go and back off. You do not change the conditions of the question; you don't push as to why the askee is demurring; you just drop it. Well, the same goes for things that are not asked. It comes down to how nobody owes you anything, and so nobody owes you an excuse for not doing something you've asked. A simple "no" suffices. If I were less lazy, I'd search for some Miss Manners links to back me up on this.

I bring this up because one of my coworkers called me out today in a really appropriate way. There was a goodbye-lunch for her last week--she's relocating--and I didn't go for a variety of reasons, including that (1) she's not a close friend; (2) I didn't have time; and (3) there wasn't anything for me to eat at the chosen restaurant, and the chosen restaurant generally stinks of friend seafood. I shouldn't have been put in a position to justify my absence. but, today, I was. First, she mentioned that there had been a lunch (among our issue group). Then, she told me that my teammate was there--implying that she knows I didn't have a meeting at that time. Then, after asking how the work was coming along, she repeated--implying that we couldn't be that busy--that my teammate was taking lunches. It was really awkward, but I still didn't feel that I owed her an explanation. And now I feel even better about not having gone. I don't need to tell you that I could have had other meetings that my teammate wouldn't have been a part of (it's not unusual at my place of work to have multiple commitments or plans), or that just because my teammate decides to take lunch on a busy day, I may make a different decision based on what I have going on at or outside of work. More importantly, I don't need to tell her, because I don't owe her an excuse or even an explanation.

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You may have figured that, based on my mom experience and, to a lesser extent to my RM experience, I have an over-developed sense of boundaries. In that I am very, very attuned to incursions. I'm also very attuned to attempts at manipulation, but that's not an issue here.

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A few weeks earlier, this woman--the one whose luncheon I skipped out on--came into my office and told me that her heart went out to me because I was single in DC. She meant well; her angle was, "I think you're awesome, and it's unfortunate that you're in a place where awesome women outnumber suitable men." That is a fair statement. But the way she said it was extremely condescending, as was everything she continued to say in response to my responses to her (see above about knowing when to stop pushing.

My first response--and it was genuine--was, "actually, it does not suck to be single in this city. I mean, it is difficult to meet men, but it's a good city in which to have a life in the absence of a date and significant other. I suppose my odds would be better in North Dakota, but would the dudes be better, even though there are more of them?" But she insisted and persisted, and things got weird. She started talking about a friend of hers who, at her age (our age) was finding the dating pool full of divorced dudes, and those dudes have issues, so it's best to date widowers. At least they don't have issues, she said; they were our best bet. What do you say to that? I let her know that, really, I was okay. She continued to try to convince me that my life sucked and that I deserved her sympathy, but I'll spare you the details.

I don't need to tell you that I need no one's sympathy. I was just thinking--independently of that weeks-ago conversation that I only just recalled in light of this afternoon's conversation about the luncheon--about how awesome it was to live where I do and have the opportunities that I have. To be surrounded by awesome people from various aspects of my life. I hope from party to happy hour to dinner with friends to play to discussion group, etc. I have fascinating conversations with fascinating people almost every day. I feel loved and connected and full of love toward (specific) others almost every day. Which is not to say that it wouldn't be awesome to be in an awesome relationship, but it is to say that I am living an awesome single life, so I don't need anyone's sympathy. Save it for someone who's unhappily married or unhappily single or unhappy for any other reason. May your heart go out to me for reasons other than condescension.