Now, askers sometimes keep asking because the askee makes excuses rather than just saying no, so the asker works around those excuses. They (we) don’t mean to be pushy; it’s just that what the askee just said doesn’t apply to our question/request/invitation. I’ll give you a really lame example in the form of my really lame ex-bf:
A.: Do you want to go wine tasting?
F.: No, because it’s cold.
A.: Would you want to go wine tasting when it’s not cold?
F.: Okay.
[Fast forward a few months to when it’s not cold.]
A.: Do you want to go wine tasting?
F.: Maybe next weekend.
Do you see how that’s not helpful? You don’t need huge balls to just tell your gf that you don’t want to go wine tasting (it’s just that you need some, and my ex had none; big note to self: only date dudes with balls).* But that brings us back to the more general issue: we askers would rather you say no than make excuses, because that throws us off; it makes it sound like the issue is open for negotiation, if certain conditions could just be addressed. So if that's not the case, just say no.
I mentioned the other day that my mom breaks this asker rule (i.e., taking no for an answer) by insisting and even getting angry at the ‘no.’ Let’s face it: no one owes anyone anything, not even your own family, not even someone for whom you have done a lot and/or given birth to. You don’t have a right to get angry at someone for refusing to do you a favor. It’s this thing called boundaries.
Mind you, respecting the right to refuse is about the content, and we’re talking about style. The issue here isn’t what someone feels entitled to; it’s how they ask for it—but the common thread is insistence. With mom, we also run into the insistence thing when it comes to giving. Same with RM. I do not want that shirt/those earrings/that box of chocolate/your waking me up because you think I’ve overslept. OK, that last one doesn’t really fit the theme. This is also the thing called boundaries: when I refuse something—even a gift or a favor—don’t keep pressing it. But I digress.
I’ve been thinking about another asker rule, this one based on my experiences with a hard-core asker friend: be realistic about the terms of your favor, to the extent possible, and do what you can to minimize the burden on the askee. Now, I have certainly been guilty of asking favors while underestimating how much of a hassle they would be. I am eternally grateful to all my friends who have helped me move into my house and make it livable: they went above and beyond, and probably didn’t know what they were getting into when they offered to help (or accepted my requests for help). So I’m not trying to set myself up as the saint of realistic assumptions. But I have a friend who is (1) a hard-core asker (HCA); (2) a hard-core underestimator of hassle; and (3) not one to go out of her way to minimize the hassle. Two examples:
Example one:
HCA: Could you drive me to the hardware store and then to my office to buy and drop off some plants? It’ll take one or two hours, no more.
A. Probably, but let’s go early because traffic gets really, really bad there on weekends. It could take four hours.
HCA: I take the bus around there all the time. I haven’t noticed that traffic gets bad.
A.: Well, I drive there from time to time, and driving makes you more aware of the traffic than taking the bus. Let’s just go early.
Of course, traffic was horrendous. The whole thing took more than four hours.
Example two:
HCA: Can I come by on Wednesday night to drop something off to store in your house?
A.: Only if you come on the earlier side and make it really quick because I have a very early flight tomorrow morning, I’m exhausted, and I haven’t packed.
HCA: Oh, not a problem—we’ll be there at 7pm and it should only take a few minutes.
They weren’t there until 10pm and it took a lot longer.
Like I said, I’ve been on the other side of this: I’ve asked for many a favor that turned into many a hassle. This isn’t about demonizing my friend and exalting myself. The point I’m making is that we askers owe it to the askee to be as realistic as possible about the magnitude of the chore and to minimize the burden on the askee. But I suppose those rules apply whether you’re asking directly or guessing. Thought they apply even more when asking, because you’re more likely to snare someone who’s not necessarily game to begin with.
***
If I keep invoking RM and the ex-bf, it's not out of bitterness or resentment or to justify my own role. My mother always plays the “bitter” card, i.e., “you remember that? It was so long ago. You must be a bitter person.” But I just have a really good memory, and I particularly remember things that are interesting from the perspective of different worldviews or paradigms (say, asking and guessing). So when the paradigms come up in conversation or national discourse, the examples come to mind. I’m amazingly unbitter at my mother (given the things she has said to me, which are well-documented on this blog) and I could give a $hit about RM and the ex. They carry no emotional charge for me; I merely cite them to make a point. Writing about the ex’s lacking anatomy is not a dig; it’s merely a fact, and one that is no longer my problem.
I've been thinking about just how little the ex bf (F.) provokes emotion in me, because it’s stark. Recall Sarah Bareille’s line in “Gravity”:
Something always brings me back to youThat’s so true... until it isn’t. You go from wondering how you’ll move on when everything around you reminds you of that person in some way, and then, at some point, it just doesn’t. Not even the name! Did I tell you that a friend of mine who lives near him told me that she ran into F. at the polls, and my response was literally, “F. who? Who are you talking about?" And to the extent that things are reminders, you just don’t care, so the reminder evaporates instantly. There were two New Yorker cartoons (one in my desk calendar, one in the magazine) that would have made me sad over the summer, but this week just made me smirk. As it should be.
It never takes too long.
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