This is why I'm single

The connection between Tracy McMillan's books (and HuffPo posts), which I regendered this morning, and the title of my own blog, didn't hit me until I was in the middle of yoga (go figure). Since we've gotten an earful from Ms. McMillan about why we're single, and I've gotten an earful or two or three from mom about the same, I thought I deserved a say in the matter. I mean, others have been so generous with their opinions about why people aren't dating me; the least I can do is return the favor by letting some guys out there know why I'm not dating them. Note that I'm not presumptuous enough to tell them that this is why they're single; I'm merely letting them know why I, personally, won't go out with them (or won't go out with them again). So here we go:

(1) You haven't asked (or you haven't asked again). This means you're either not that interested or you're waiting for me to go after you (which is also likely a sign that you're not that interested). There is a very small chance that you are that interested but you're afraid, but in my experience, that's a very small chance indeed, so I'm going to assume you're not that interested. This is one of the few areas where I buy into traditional gender roles: you get to do the pursuing. I don't love this--I'm naturally inclined to plan things and ask people to join me--but I've learned the hard way that once guys realize they don't have to do any work, they won't do any work. If you're an exception to this, prove it by doing the work at the outset.

(2) You asked too soon. You're hitting on me because I'm there. Because I have a pulse. Maybe because I'm more pleasant to look at than these guys. When I dismiss your advances, you move on to the next woman with a pulse. Look, women are flattered when you like us for a reason that's at least relatively unique to us; we don't like to be made to feel interchangeable. You can and certainly should talk to us because we're there and you find us attractive, but before you ask us out, make sure there's more to work with.

(3) You're shallow. You make rude or dismissive comments about other women based on their appearance, and make it clear that you expect a woman to "maintain her body." Maybe you're even negging. Well, we don't like it. We want to be with someone who values us for who we are, and who will value us as we age and change.

(4) You're boring. There is absolutely nothing wrong with watching sports, playing video games, and/or working a lot, except that if that's all you do, you have nothing to talk about. There's nothing wrong with being really interested in your field--actually, it's a plus--but keep in mind that not everyone wants to hear about it. For example, starting and perpetuating a conversation at a party about whether Spiderman ever reaches terminal velocity while most people look bored and confused is not going to get you any dates.

(5) You're too busy. It's awesome that you're important and that you're saving the world and/or earning a lot and/or generally devoted to your career. I'm devoted to my career, too. But I make time for dating, and if dating evolves into a relationship, I'm going to make that person a priority. It follows that I'll stay in the relationship as long as I'm also a priority. Not the priority, but a priority. I alluded to this in the first few items, but the bottom line is that we like to feel special (and not interchangeable); we like it when you put effort into us. Why are we going to stay with someone who will merely pencil us in? 

(6) You're pompous. You're saving the world. You've spent a lot of time doing a lot of math that almost nobody else can understand. You've met the Madonna or Dalai Lama. Awesome! Just don't be a dick about it. It's also awesome that you read books;, but you don't have to be a dick about it. I blogged about this, cryptically, in September when I was talking to this dude who was... cryptic. He used unnecessarily big words, as if he were using a demented thesaurus, and unnecessarily vague phrasing. It was as bad as communicating with someone on the other extreme of literacy, which brings us to...

(7) You're illiterate. You were raised in a land without punctuation, or you just can't be bothered to use it (in the latter case, see item (5)). Maybe it's been a very long time since you've read a book, in which case, see item (4). In any case, illiteracy does not inspire confidence. I'm not saying you have to have a Pulitzer; not saying you need to like the same books I do. I'm saying you have a basic command of your native language and you're willing to use it.

(8) You've let yourself go. Oh, the shouts of "hypocrisy!" "Didn't she just slam shallow men?" This is all about nuance: not looking for a body builder or an underwear model; just someone who takes care of himself, preferably for himself. You have one body in which to live the life you want; why not take care of it?

(9) You're threatened. If you're threatened, no amount of my dumbing myself down is going to make you feel secure; everything I say is going to make you feel unsophisticated or inadequate. I go through this all the time: even when I think it's safe to talk about travel--say I'm out on a date with someone who's spent a lot of time in China--the guy may be taken aback that I started traveling at a young age (even if he's the one who asked me when I started traveling). I don't care--it's not a f*ing contest--but he does. This is why I want to date super-smart, confident men: for their egos, not mine. 

(10) You're a martyr. You're so put upon, you have a chip on your shoulder. You do so much for everyone but no one appreciates it. Why would I date someone who keeps score? Been there (without knowing it), done that; it ended in tears. Relationships are give-and-take, and you should want to give (and take). I want to make you happy, too, but I'm not going to be able to do that if you're only looking for ways to keep me in karma debt.

Oh, here's a bonus one: I have more testosterone than you. Guys, you're the ones with the balls. If you've shot them off, we've got bigger problems, but let's say for the sake of this post that your packages are intact. Man up. (See also items (1) and (9)).

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Bottom line: Respect women; have the anatomy to talk to them (but be smart about it); read books; keep your head out of your own ass; get that ass to the gym or the trail... wait, I'm just summarizing. The real bottom line is, if you want a woman to go out with you (once or again), make her feel heard, understood, and valued. Put some time into yourself and her. It's that easy.