In which this good Jewish girl uses a bug analogy in a mom story

My mom issues are flaring.

I made the mistake of calling mom last night just before bed--never a good idea--and she got me more riled up than I've been in a while. I’m trying to understand why. Why over this? Why not over her other, more persistent antics, or those actually directed at me? When I think about it, I see just how much mom doesn't upset me when she harps on my weight, personality, or décor. I mean, she doesn't exactly create a pleasant environment, but there's a fine line between annoying and upsetting. Consider the difference between an insect buzzing around your head and one delivering a painful sting.

Mom’s harping on my weight has always been annoying but doesn't hurt, maybe because I have sufficient confidence in myself to not value myself based on my body shape. To the extent that I find myself thinking about it, it’s more ‘I would love to fit into that dress and it’s too bad I don’t, but whatever” not “I hate myself because I can’t fit into that dress.” When mom brings up my weight and won't let go, it’s buzz, not sting.

It’s also buzz-not-sting when mom tells me I’m cold, harsh, shrewish, selfish, socially overbearing, financially irresponsible, lacking in initiative, incompetent, or too much of a busybody to get along with coworkers. I have enough confidence in who I am, not to mention enough evidence in my defense, to understand that mom’s perception of me is more a reflection on her than on me. In some cases, she's projecting things she sees in herself; in others, they stem from narrow mindset about how things manifest themselves. For example, I'm introverted, so I don't feel like talking to people when I'm tired. For her, that's a sign that I'm cold. And in some cases, the accusations or judgments seem to come out of nowhere. As I read over that not exhaustive list of faults, all of which mom has assigned to me, all I can do is laugh.

So if none of that bothers me, why am I feeling the sting now? Could it be that I'm "comfortable" or at least unfazed by verbal assaults on my own character (and shape), but I'm more sensitive to her attacks on others? I’ve had knee-jerk reactions in the past when she’s gone after people dear to me (Nina), and now it’s Alexa, whom she barely knows. [I’m not comfortable sharing the details of the situation on this blog].

Could it be that I’ve developed a mechanism for managing mom’s statements, and in the process lulled myself into false complacency, fooled myself into believing that I’ve learned to manage mom in general? Is it, by extension, that I’ve learned to manage the symptoms of the less kind part of mom’s personality, but the underlying elements still irk the hell out of me?

In this case, it's her willingness to demonize someone (a 23-year-old girl) based on partial, second-hand knowledge of a situation, further filtered by her selective listening. And it's also the sheer inconsistency of her logic: just that, in and of itself, often makes it impossible to reason with her, so the only thing to do is ask her to let it go (but she won’t). She does that on political issues, too--you can't talk to her, because she doesn't fight fair, but she won't stop talking about it, so you're stuck fuming. Even my dad, who more often than not agrees with her on substance, tries to tell her that she's not getting through to anyone else with her tactics. So that's part of it: she can't make me listen to Glenn Beck, so she channels Glenn Beck for me, and brings Glenn Beck logic into an interpersonal situation. I don't need to explain further about why that's annoying.

So what do I do with mom? She's not going to change, and I can only change or at least manage how I interact with her. Which I've learned to do when it's something frivolous like weight or something ridiculous like shrewishness. My strategy with politics, thus far, has been avoidance whenever possible and rolled eyes otherwise. And now, this new category of thing. I guess the only thing to do is take a deep breath and let it go.