Monday evening roundup and heartfelt ramble

I'll admit right now that I'm not above wishing at least negligible bodily harm against some people.

Oh, Scottish politicians: making light of the Balkan wars is in really poor taste.

DC is the most literate city in the country, but the country as a whole is less literate than we were in past years.

Karen Armstrong's new book is about leading a compassionate life. Which brings me to my ramble.

Have you ever been in a situation where you’re not in the wrong, but you still feel like crap for making someone else feel like crap? Perhaps you've had to give someone a bad review, or had a difficult conversation with a loved one. Or roommate (yes, I experienced plenty of those situations over my half-year of RM drama). But I digress.

The yellow line train was already late and nowhere in sight this morning when I reached the platform. I'd fully expected leave for work an hour earlier than I did, but I hadn’t sleep well and didn’t wake up until 6:15ish, and had to wash and dry my hair. And take out the recycling, which led me to pick up the half-ton of candy wrappers, McD’s debris, and other trash that had accumulated in my front yard. Not that it made a difference, because had I not done that, it would have been even more time freezing my ass off on the metro platform, and there was plenty of that anyway. By the time the train pulled up, however many minutes and a few blue line trains later, I'd almost lost feeling in my toes, in spite of my frantic wiggling of them.

I'd opted not to take one of the blue lines to switch to yellow once we got to an indoor station, because I knew by then the train would be too crowded to board--and I was right. A few stations in, it was Tokyo-metro-conditions, complete with Tokyo station manners. People were clearly pushing into the train even though there was no room at all. I’d let go of the pole to let people get by, but people filled that space so I could no longer reach it. I apologized in advance to the woman next to me in case I fell on her, because there was literally nothing for me to hold on to (nor were there people standing on the other side of me, because that’s where the seats were). The woman said I could hold on to her shoulder; I said I’d try not to but would take her up on that if it came down to it, which it did. Unfortunately, the friendly, middle-aged gentleman standing next to both of us, and directly blocking my access to the poll, took the liberty of grabbing on to my shoulder to stabilize me when the train lurched. I'm wary, as one should be, of people grabbing any part of me on a crowded train, so I asked him not to, but he did it again the next time the train lurched. I again asked him not to touch me; he said he was trying to help. I said, ‘in that case, please move so I might access the pole.’ He did, and I managed to hold onto it the rest of the way.

Now, I imagine it’s very unpleasant to be snapped at and accused, even implicitly, of groping, especially when you’re trying to help. I hope I didn’t ruin this guy’s day. But I’m also not going to apologize for having physical boundaries on a crowded train, in the same way I’m not going to apologize to RM for having interpersonal boundaries. They may well think I’m unfriendly, and wish we could live in a world where women didn’t have to worry about being groped on a subway--and I do too, but we don’t live in that world. How wonderful that approximately half the population can carry on without bearing that in mind. It must be nice.

Women don't have that luxury; we live with that awareness all the time (usually deep in the back of our minds, but it’s there), and it’s not necessarily a bad thing that that awareness expresses itself once in a while. Why should we carry the burden of living in a subway-groping world on our own? It's only normal that we're eventually going to take it out on (sometimes well-meaning) men.

Recall that conversation I had with a friend of mine over the summer, over his daughter’s being the nice girl who always wanted to make people happy (in the context of her little sister harmlessly manipulating that for personal gain). I told him to get her out of that mindframe, and he responded that he wished we lived in a world where he didn't have to. I wish I lived in that world, too. BUT WE DON'T. Ergo, women shouldn’t feel bad about having boundaries and reinforcing them, and when someone tries to make you feel bad about that (which this guy on the train did not), run away. Buying into the never-offended, nice girl role is what gets us hurt. The subway guy meant no harm, but another subway guy will. (side note: Also, I spent too much time in Paris to not have developed a pickpocket-oriented personal space radar). The time you are on a crowded subway car is the time to be street-smart, aware, and safety-oriented. Politeness is great, but it’s secondary to all that.

Not to put too fine a point on it: I wish it weren't a knee-jerk, yet justifiable, reaction to snap at the nice man who tried to hold on to my shoulder when the train lurched. Really. I wish I lived in a world where the threat of subway groping hadn't occurred to me. The world being as it is, I have no regrets about what I said. I feel a bit bad about it, but I don't feel guilty.

Which is not to say I needn't be more polite and compassionate to people on the metro.