Rollercoaster

I haven't talked to my parents this week since Tuesday, when I called to wish dad a happy birthday. That call was short, because someone else called them for the same reason, and uneventful, apart from mom screaming dad's name into the phone, which is still uneventful and manageable; I'm not sure why I haven't taken to just distancing the phone from my ear, but I will take up that practice hereafter. I haven't talked to them since, because I haven't had time and because part of me senses that a conversation with them could have brought on an emotional breakdown, which I'm determined to prevent. It's not that I'm just now realizing how much my mom can stress me out; It's also hitting my how predictably she stresses me out.

First but not foremost, I'm having a fat week, which is fine, happens to the best of us... but if my mom were here, I would hear about it every few hours, and that is not relaxing. The other thing that is not relaxing is the way mom handles uncertainty, or specifically the way her handling of uncertainty encroaches on the way I handle uncertainty. For example, take six years ago when I was applying for graduate programs:

Mom: Any grad school news?
A.: No. I'm not thinking about it until April, when they send admissions letters.
[A week later, and still March]
Mom: Any grad school news?
A.: I was rejected from SIPA.
Mom: Oh. What if the other places all reject you, too?
A.: That is exactly what I am trying not to think about, and it doesn't help me to think about it until I've heard from the other programs.

Mom just doesn't have the filter that says, "is this comment or question helpful at this time?" There are other examples of this-- things she's suggested I say to my friends in response to difficult events in their lives-- that I won't share here in the interest of their privacy-- but I've heard enough of them to conclude that my mother lacks a tact filter.

She's pretty much done the same thing whenever she knew I was waiting on job news. The worst was when I thought I had an internship in Ecuador the years between graduate school, but was waiting on a background check [that never did come, which is how I ended up in Nicaragua]. Every time we talked, mom would ask, and every time I told her she would be the first to know.

So I stopped telling her about any intermediate steps in any job search process and just told her when I actually had the job. This of course did not stop her from nagging me about what I was doing at any point to find a job, but it protected me from specific questions that could exacerbate the already emotional roller coaster that is a job search (and this one has been no exception). I asked myself how much I could blame mom for not appreciating how important this new job was to me when I hadn't told her about it, but I know I had honestly answered her and her friends' questions about whether I was happy in my current job, so the change shouldn't have come as a surprise.

To bring this full circle, this has been a very emotionally intense week on top of an emotionally intense month on top of an emotionally intense six months or so since I first heard that I would be invited to an interview and then realized I would have to be proactive and ask for help to ensure that that would actually happen. Verbal job offer in hand for a month or so, I've had to fight to get it in writing in time to turn down another offer and give notice; written job offer in hand, I started to process what it would mean to leave the job I held for over three and a half years; within two weeks of changing jobs, I had to again ask for help and fight to make sure the new job still existed, as well as consider the consequences of it falling through, especially having given notice. It's been a roller coaster, and the practical and moral support of my friends and coworkers has kept me sane (no I will not pursue a cheesy falling-off-roller-coaster analogy). And perhaps I don't give my parents enough credit, and they too would have been supportive had I given them the chance-- and I hope that's the case-- but I'm not willing to test that, I would rather leave it at 'busy week, didn't have time to talk, perhaps just as well.' In any case, I am reasonably certain at this point that I will start the new job in a week, I look forward to catching up with mom and dad once I'm on firmer ground.

***
The above turned into a mom blog once I got going, but my original intentional was to write that since I haven't had a conversation with my parents, I would just sound off on other things. And I do:

--Excellent Elle magazine piece on Amy Bloom. I highly recommend her short story collection and want to read "Away."

--Project Runway: Didn't think Victorya was all that, got annoyed when people said she was the next Chloe... as far as I can tell, being Asian is the only thing those two have in common. Chloe's designs were always impeccable. If anything, Jillian (even though her denim coat was a flop) is the next Chloe. And someone please slap Christian upside the head.

--The NYT editorial board. I respectfully disagree with their endorsement (and apparently so does Caroline Kennedy). Here are my picks from today's paper, though:
Abroad
NYC