An announcement intertwined with a mom blog

I spoke to my parents earlier this evening and they were genuinely happy for me and offered sincere congratulations. Perhaps they were just weary because I didn't have anything in writing, but in any case, I'm glad they've come around.

***
In Boston two weeks ago

A., having gotten off the phone: I got a job.
Dad: A different job?
A.: Yes.
Dad, slightly confused: Oh, good.

Still smiling, I continued on to the kitchen.

A.: I was just offered a job.
Mom: What about the one you have?
A.: I’ll quit.
Mom: Why? You were happy there.
A.: I haven’t been happy there for a while. [This should come as no surprise].
Mom: Will they pay you more?
A.: Actually, they’ll pay me less.

[Silence]

A.: Isn’t this exciting?
Dad: We have no idea what your current job entails. We have no idea what your new job will entail.
A.: I can tell you what my new job will entail.

[I proceed to describe new job, with much enthusiasm; parents continue to kind of shrug.]

***
Recall the night a couple of weeks ago, when mom called to tell me about Verizon and I asked her whether the conversation could wait until the following evening. The reason it was particularly important that I kept my mind clear and uncluttered was that the next day I would interview for my dream job.

I told very few people about the interview and had to lie about why I wasn’t at work that day. The time in which I wasn’t sure the interview would happen was stressful; the time after it was, to my surprise, also stressful. I didn’t expect to hear until after the holidays, and part of me wondered whether I’d once again get stuck under the proverbial pizza box. I tried not to think about it, kept reminding myself it was out of my hands, but it was hard when so much depended on whether or not I got the job. I arrived at my parent’s house in Boston; brought my stuff upstairs; came back down; and sat down to blog, not noticing the missed call on my phone. My phone rang again, and I was offered the job. I was speechless.

I recovered, told my parents, to blank stares.

Can we, maybe, celebrate? Finally, by the time we sat down to dinner, my parents decided to be vaguely happy for me.

***
Somehow, in my summarizing my dissatisfaction with my current job to my mother, we miscommunicated and she came to believe that I was unhappy because of interpersonal problems. While I can’t say that personalities have nothing to do with my unhappiness, the reasons for my leaving are much more profound (and professional); I’m amazed, though, at the ease with which my mom latched on to the idea that I had trouble getting along with people.

Although I want to protect the privacy of my current as well as future employers, I think I can share the conversation at the root of the misunderstanding:

A.: See, my personality, much like yours…
Mom: Exactly—you’re outspoken and you always have to say what you think…
A.: Well, yes. What I’m trying to say is, this new job is right for my personality because I have an eye, as well as a low tolerance for, things that are not done efficiently.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but my mother completely missed my point, and took what I said to mean that I’d put my foot in my mouth at work, alienated everybody, and had to leave.

Which is really too bad, because what I meant was, “while my current job has been good to me, and in many ways great, the one I’m going to is much more suited to what I want to do with my career.” It, i.e. the new job, didn’t fall onto my lap; I worked my butt off for it. The last month or so in particular has been very stressful and hopeful in anticipation of an answer. Now that I got an answer and it’s the answer I wanted, I want to celebrate. Am I the only one who’s happy for me? I know it’s not Google, but let’s show some enthusiasm!

In the meantime, I informed only a handful of other people (mostly people who had helped me in the job-seeking process, or who would be most affected by the change). An alum of my Masters' program and current employee of new employer, who had taken it upon herself to get me out from under the pizza box, responded to the news with much enthusiasm and told me that my getting the job made her day. Given that she’s never even met me, why is she many times happier for me than my parents??

***
On Anya’s last day in Boston—the day we went to Revere Beach in the morning—we stopped at the house before going for a walk in the snow in a park not far from the house. My project lead at work, for whom I’d left a message, called back just as we were about to set off again. My mom knew that I’d been expecting that call and was nervous about it.

Mom, seeing me pick up the phone: Have that conversation in the car!

It was a difficult conversation, as this was the person whose job would be most affected by my leaving. I wasn’t looking forward to it but it had to happen. He took it well, was very supportive. As I was talking, I looked up to see my mom a mouth-flapping motion with her hand, although when I called her on it she denied it. We arrived at the park, I got off the phone.

A.: I’m so glad that [conversation] went well.
Mom, to Anya: American dogs are so friendly! Look at that one’s ears!

Eventually, during the walk, my mother turned to me and said, “well, if you’re happy, I’m happy.”

A.: I’m now also relieved that [project lead] is being so supportive.
Mom: You’ve had conflicts with this person in the past?
A.: No! Where are you getting this?
Mom: I just know you have a strong personality.

I’m taking what I can get, i.e. my mother’s being happy for me. I’d love for her to appreciate what I’ve been through to get this job and what a huge victory this offer is—and for her not to reduce the issue to my having trouble getting along with people—but I’m hoping that will come with time. For now, I’m happy she’s happy I’m happy.

***
Just when I thought the Verizon saga was over, it morphed into a full-out screaming fight. My mother reread the complaint form (which I asked her to read before I filed) and decided that I left out her key point, which she apparently asked me various times if I'd included. And I had- it's just that when it came down to fitting all her points into the space allotted, I had to make the call as to what had to go. I decided that her complaint would be taken more seriously if she had a concrete objective, i.e. getting the collections agency called off, than questioning Verizon's billing practices. I think I even asked her what her primary objective was. She also asked me at the time if I'd included the part about being charged $250 for two weeks of service; now she's yelling at me for having included it.

I am so tired, and sick of this. She keeps saying, "every time I ask you to do something, I regret it!" to which I reply, fine, do everything yourself.

The last straw, worst insult, came when she said, "you were blabbing on the phone instead of concentrating on this." First of all, I was trying to concentrate on this but you were yapping at me. Second of all, I don't recall blabbing on the phone this morning at all-- oh, wait-- I left a message for my colleague/project lead asking him to call me when he got a chance. That message took about ten seconds. If you're referring to the conversation in the car as "blabbing on the phone," how dare you have denied making the blabbing motion with your hand? That is what you were doing. Thank you for respecting my career and putting it up there with your Verizon saga.

I said to her, "mom, if you'd listened to me and followed the instructions on your bill-- like I did when Verizon tried to screw me over-- you would have saved yourself a lot of time and energy." I pointed her to the instruction indicating whom to contact should Verizon customer service not resolve her problem.

***
Half an hour later, it's still ongoing, she's still yelling at me. The funny thing is, re-doing the form, I now see even more clearly why I made the decision that I did-- they don't allow for an explanation or objective for generic complaints. You have a choice of subjects, one of which is "seek mediation," and only then can you explain what you want from them. A general investigation of billing practices is not an option for mediation. I've asked her to stop accusing me of purposely uprooting her process and to meet my half-way and express some appreciation for the time I've spent on this, but even now as I try to type in the form, she continues to yap at me (which is another reason that the result this morning wasn't to her liking-- she keeps saying she told me to include that one sentence about investigating their billing practices, but she yapped continuously, and it was all noise). Why did I come here? I am most hurt by the "you were busy blabbing on the phone comment," and it shows how much she does not appreciate what I'm going through right now and does not see my career as important as the Verizon saga.

***
A.: I’m going to look for a ticket back to DC tomorrow. I actually regret coming here.
Dad: You do realize this happens every time? It usually starts on the way back from the airport…
A.: Not like this. I can handle the little squabbles. This just hurts my feelings.

I showed Dad the little blurb on the bill about the MA communications board; he said it was “significant.” It shows, for one thing, that my mom had recourse to a practical solution to her issue. Instead, she chose to take a principled stance and waste other people’s time in doing so, and get self-righteous when the results of others’ efforts were not to her liking. It just makes me angry.

***
I think I last felt this way on my birthday two years ago when I got the lecture about being socially overbearing. It was a sense of, “I should be celebrating, and instead, I’m being subjected to this?” combined with, “why did I choose to be here, when I could actually be celebrating, with people who do not lecture me about my flaws on my birthday?”

That’s when I last felt this hurt. I last felt this angry at my mother—so angry that I was unwilling to play along and agree with her to just resolve the conflict—in Arizona over the hiking book fight that she picked. This is just so wrong, she is being so selfish.

Let me repeat that I spent weeks—months, really—dreaming of the possibility of this job offer. And now what should be a time of celebration is a time of acrimony.

***
Gina, over IM: When are you leaving?
me: I was just looking a tickets back to DC but they start at $400, so Wednesday morning. what was I thinking?
10:17 PM Gina: shrug
me: thanks for being excited for me about the job
Gina: Well, I am excited. I mean, I don't know anything about the job, but I know how much you wanted it (first hand, as I called up your voice mail while you were in Turkey/Greece).
me: that's all I'm saying.

***
Wendy, over tea at her house: So is this ___?
A.: It is.
Wendy: Congratulations!
A.: Congratulations to you, too! (Wendy filed, became Dr. Wendy, the same day that I interviewed).

Later that evening

A.: Thanks for being happy for me. I've wanted this for so long.
Wendy: You were already working on getting this job last year when you came to visit.

***
It's Monday morning, New Year's Eve. Things have gotten a little bit better.
Mom, screaming: A.!!!!
A.: One minute, I need to call my manager.
Mom: Haven't you already talked to your manager?
A.: No, this is my actual manager.
Mom: How many managers do you have?
A.: Don't even ask.

Later

Mom: What did your manager say?
A.: He was really supportive, said he understood my decision.
Mom: What happened that everyone understands your decision?
A.: Nothing happened. It's not event-based, or due to any disagreement. People just understand.

Mom doesn't look convinced but she lets it go.

***
A.: I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I want to want to go to work. There was a time that I wanted to go to work.
Mom: Tell me, honestly, did you get into conflicts at work?
A.: What do you mean?
Mom: Did you go around asserting that you know everything better than everyone else?
A.: Of course not.

***
Jason, driving, when I say that my mom keeps alluding to my alleged interpersonal issues at work: POT-KETTLE-POT-KETTLE.
A.: I mean, sure issues come up, but I don't think I'm that difficult...
Heather: A., I've worked with you. You don't have to defend yourself.

***
Where does this leave you? I wish I could have been more forthcoming, but I'd been very close before only to see offers fall apart at the last minute, so I wasn't willing to tell anyone until I knew for sure, and I wanted to tell the people who would be directly affected first. Getting ready for the interview within days of returning from Turkey and Greece was a lot of work. In recovering from my trip and getting ready for the interview, I neglected a lot of other things. The evening after the interview, I dealt with the letter to Verizon; the rest of that week, I went to work. Not being completely honest with people was heart-wrenching.

So, I want to thank you for bearing with me and for the moral support, advice and encouragement; for listening to me weigh my options; for agreeing to be references; for encouraging me to manage my career; and/or for making my current situation tolerable.