Bedtime

You know how mom likes to have the same conversations over and over? Usually, when I point out to her that we have already discussed something (such as the fact that I don't like coffee; whether I have AC or ceiling fans; whether I've applied to Google, etc.), mom pleads forgetfulness. Recently, however, when she asked me for the gazillionth time about lakes in the DC area and I called her on it, she admitted that she was deliberately rehashing the lakes conversation to "remind" me that there was nowhere nice to go swimming in DC, or, rather, to rub it in.

This behavior, i.e. expressing her displeasure about an aspect of my life by bringing it up in conversation multiple times, but, mind you, not directly stating her displeasure (unless called on it, in the case of the lakes), whether or not you'd call it passive-aggressive, is expanding beyond the lakes in DC issue. As you may have noticed, Mom doesn't approve of my bedtime. I believe it is an extension of mom's disapproval of any unavailability on my part.

When I'm at my parents' house (and she did this when we were in China, too), mom regularly reacts with shock when I say I'm going to bed (and I go to bed much later when I'm not going to work the next day). There was one time in particular, when I had a miserable cold and at about 10pm said that I was going to bed. Mom replied in an incredulous tone, "you're going to bed?? now??"

I've come to understand that what I see as taking care of myself mom sees as pampering. It's a fine line, I know. Who do I think I am, trying to get enough sleep? The value of trying to get to bed by 10ish because I wake up at 5am is a matter of perspective: I see it as smart and responsible. Mom sees it as lazy.

So, whenever I for any reason don't answer the phone after, say, 7pm, mom leaves a message saying I must have gone to sleep (or asking if I have), although this is rare because she likes to call just around 10pm. This has backfired, as I've taken to turning my phone off around 9:30pm so that she can't wind me up when I should be winding down. The other day, after I turned my phone off earlyish, she left me a message that, if I didn't know better, would have led me to believe that she had drunk dialed: she yelled her phone number in an especially jubilant voice. Yes, my outgoing message does request the user to leave a name and number. No, this is not meant to be taken literally by people whose numbers are programmed into my phone. Still, I'm not complaining; I'm hoping that jubilant mom is here to stay and mean mom remains in hiding for a while.

See Jon Stewart discuss what is and is not passive aggressive: