zen

This will probably surprise you, but I have only recently started to experience anxiety in the weeks before spending time with my mother. I used to look forward to it. It first happened just before the holidays this year. If you'll recall, I (accurately) predicted that my mother would miss no opportunity to express her displeasure with my hair and weight. I have no doubt that she'll do that over the next few weeks, starting Thursday, but I also suspect that she will not respect my wishes for a non-political vacation, and those wishes are quite intense. And I don't doubt that I will be asked to justify everything I choose not to eat (besides meat; she's had 16 years to get over that one).

How did I get myself into this situation? I erroneously focused on one aspect of mom-induced stress: she's difficult to travel with. I thought about that and dismissed it, thinking, 'it's an organized tour, the potential for conflict is minimal.' Which is kind of true, but more importantly, it's not the point. There doesn't need to be conflict-- even when she's not picking a fight, she is still often difficult.

I'm going to approach this as an exercise in zen, in creating my own peace. Or perhaps, in learning to deal with my mother.