Which is not to say that I ever bought into it wholesale (after all, just because someone is spot-on about a thing or to, or even many things, doesn't mean they're right about everything). I've written about appreciating Alicia Silverstone's work on behalf of plant-based eating, which is especially effective because she shows how easy it is to be vegan. I eventually had to stop reading her blog, because I couldn't take the anti-vaxxerism. And even if you read The Kind Life, which I highly recommend that you do, take at least some of the science with a grain of salt (and keep eating nightshades, because that alkaloid business is a bunch of hippie crap).
Now, I didn't quit Karen Salmansohn because of her references to quantum physics. I understand jack $hit about quantum mechanics, but I know enough--and have enough of a built-in pseudoscience detector--that those references made me cringe. And as I took in other (guided) self-help, every reference to quantum mechanics made me cringe. Not because quantum mechanics makes me cringe, which it does, but because pseudoscience makes me cringe.
And because--just like veganism doesn't need pseudoscience--these self-help principles don't need pseudoscience. They're compelling and powerful in and of themselves. Specifically:
- Limiting beliefs: those self-imposed barriers to progress, which I've explored here (by way of "the $hit fairy" and in contrast to the shrubbery in "Spamalot"). The idea of choosing to believe that there is something better and acting accordingly, is an idea worth preaching. Not because if you envision it, it will happen, but because if you acknowledge that it can happen, you'll be ready when it does. See: Prague, 2012. (In the interest of balance, see also this recent Times pieces on the impact of inexplicable things on our spirituality).
- The Reticular Activating System: you notice what you focus on (and you can choose what to focus on). This is the first but not last time today I'll reference this article on jealousy from Modern Dog: jealousy is the art of counting someone else's blessings instead of your own. Or: I may have written about taking a small boat ride along an offshoot of the Yangtze River with my mother. The surrounding scenery was stunning even as we got into the smaller boat. Nevertheless, mom opted to throw a fit because she ended up at the back of the boat (she'd thought it would be the front) and the woman sitting in front of her apparently had a large head (and needless to say, all of this was my fault). So instead of taking in the stunning scenery all around--it was a rowboat--mom decided to focus on the woman's head. Because that's what mom does, and I don't recommend it. What you focus on is a choice. What you choose to look out for is a choice. If you're focused on people tossing a ball around, you can miss a gorilla in the elevator.
- Combine these two: focusing on what can go wrong, will keep you from moving forward. Focus on what you have to gain, not on what you have to lose (within reason; risk management is important, too).
- You have a choice not only in what to focus on and act on, but in secondary emotions. From the modern dog article:
Primary emotions, such as fear, anger, disgust, joy, and surprise, are considered to be universal. Secondary emotions—guilt, shame, jealousy, and envy—are thought to require more complex cognitive processes. For example, in the case of envy, you have to actively pay attention to what the other individual is getting and compare it to what you are getting for your efforts.
- But you have to manage those secondary emotions, and there are tricks and tools for that. For example: what's outside feeds what's inside: you don't need to believe in Feng Shui to believe that physical clutter can clutter your mind, or that hanging onto things that are broken can create a barrier to new, better things.
- Your thoughts and emotions impact how you proceed, and you want to proceed in alignment with your goals, values, etc. You can't always know the circumstances surrounding a decision, so your best bet is to do you. I wrote about this in my Kuang Si post. Which brings us back to the importance of managing our thoughts.
There's no shortage of self-help and personal development practitioners on the interwebs, and they promote each other. Some of them peddle bullshit beyond belief (be wary of anyone selling you special water or a program to help you meditate; water is water, and it's normal for meditation to be imperfect, especially when you start out. Some stuff that's not bullshit just may not be right for you and may not resonate with you. It doesn't hurt to listen to it, try it, and figure out what works for you.
And more than anything else, EFT tapping works for me. I don't know why, and I don't necessarily buy into the "science." I'm not above the placebo effect, and it could well be just that, but it works, so I don't *care* that anyone else may think it's bullshit. It could be that the placebo effect of tapping enhances what's merely an effective cognitive therapy technique, and helps motivate people (like me) to do it. There's incredible power in identifying issues and letting them go.
All that said, I've been awful about tapping (even as I've been better about meditating). Ironically (?) I'm awful about it when things are fine; I do it when I'm really upset about something. I guess it's not unlike prayer in that way. And although I have not been upset about anything recently, I've noticed that I've been dwelling and feeding old resentments. You only have to look at this recent post, which is entirely legitimate in and of itself, but I let it push me into more time of resenting F, RM, and others for being who they are. And then, going to a play triggered BE memories that pushed me into resentment over who he was. And I don't give shit about any of these people, so why was I giving them rent-free space in my head? How was it serving me? What insecurities of mine was it feeding?
Tapping was as good a way as any to find out. I tapped on my snow day a few days ago, and didn't get to the bottom of anything, but it just made me generally feel better. I found myself less prone to negative, resentful thoughts and feelings. I tapped again last night, and I did have an epiphany: I was holding onto memories of these people so I would never again let people like them in my life. In all of those cases (and others that came to mind), I'd made mistakes--I ignored my instincts, I didn't sufficiently enforce my boundaries, I tolerated bad behavior, and I let myself be manipulated. If I cleared the memory of those people from my consciousness, I would also lose the lessons I learned. Except I wouldn't.
Let me pause for an aside here: there really is something to this. I remember thinking I reacted faster to BE because I recognized patterns from the RM days and had no qualms about putting my foot down. I still didn't do it fast enough or clearly enough, but I don't think any amount of increased dwelling on the RM situation would have fixed that. Similarly, I already know that I not only didn't react fast enough to F's bullshit at the time, but then I fundamentally overreacted to the lessons learned from that relationship.
To bring this home: part of me was dwelling because righteous indignation is as addictive as it is destructive. On the surface, it's self-serving to say, "can you believe these assholes?" And you want to avoid letting people like that into your life in the future--and if you do come across them, you want the muscle memory to deal with them effectively. So that's the reason for the dwelling--that was part I of the epiphany. Part II: It's okay to let them go; I can purge the antics of those people from my memory and keep the lessons. I don't need to hoard them to keep myself from getting hurt or making the same mistakes. I can manage future relationships by acting in accordance with my values and sense of self, without drawing from the past. And I'm grateful to all the self-help pracitioners out there who have helped me recognize that.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment