Friday ramble

Mom is throwing a fit over nothing, as she does. She, of course, doesn't realize how counterproductive her behavior is and how it just trains us to ignore her and tune her out. The immediate trigger this time is that dad pointed out that she wasn't sufficiently dressed to go outside--this was a theme when she was at my house too (both the gardening in insufficient clothing and having a fit when I pointed it out)--but, as always, the root cause is that she feeds on throwing fits, and so she looks out for provocation or creates it.

As I was driving to Nina's yesterday, I was thinking about not becoming my mother. There are some ways in which there's no risk of that, but there are others to which I find myself prone. For example, just before we left, she started making $hit up about Nina ("I know how she really is, she never thinks of anyone else, and oh by the way, she never thanked me for that silver we sent over with you for her wedding gift"). Dad and I assured her that no silver was sent over, but she insisted that it was. She's done this to other people, including me. And she's done this to other people before she had legitimate memory problems. Of late, she's been doing it--character assassination by way of "you don't know this [very close friend of yours] the way I do, and let me tell you, I gave/loaned them this thing and never saw it again"--to everyone, including dad's childhood friends.

I'm not prone to that. I'm not prone to making things up about people to smear them or feed my existing disdain. But I am capable of otherwise feeding my existing disdain--by dwelling or, occasionally, exaggeration--and it's just not constructive. It serves no one to obsess over how inadequate or even annoying someone else is. I hope that by seeing the extreme manifestation of that in mom, I can better recognize it when it starts to creep into my behavior, so that I can isolate it and walk away. I know people who do that ("that's mom talking; I don't need that").

And while I'm thinking about self-improvement, I really would like to be less snippy with dad, especially when he's trying to help. I still feel that my snippiness can be justified, and that it was yesterday, but that doesn't make it helpful. It's not going to make him less prone to do something like that again next time.

And it's dad, who, as discussed, is a saint, and is also my dad. It makes sense that he wants to act like my dad and try to help me, even counterproductively. It's not that I've gotten so fed up with other dudes trying to act like they're my dad (and/or my boyfriend)--and I have--that I've developed an aversion to anyone trying to help me in any way. I'm really not that independent--I ask for help from people all the time. But I'm independent enough that I also take steps to help myself, so when people offer unsolicited help, it comes down as detrimental or unnecessary, and that's compounded by their expectation of appreciation.

Deconstructing that a bit: when you're not waiting for someone else to help you, you're taking your own steps, and someone else's unexpected help, doesn't help. You know how when you're lost, you'd best stay put if someone's looking for you, but if no one's looking for you, you'd better not stay put, because you're the only one who can get yourself unlost? I've been lost jungly forests in Nicaragua; I had to keep moving. And I generally operate my life on the assumption that I'm on my own. Not just when I'm lost, but in general: I plan and organize my life without taking other people's help into consideration, unless I ask for help.

It didn't cross my mind yesterday that dad would decide to pull over and wait for me. I wasn't looking for him, didn't find him, and kept going. And then spent the better part of an hour panicking about what might have happened to him.

But, as previously noted, at least dad is my dad. I don't need random dudes doing me favors that I haven't asked them to do, or that I've actively asked them to stop doing. I'm not going to dwell in detail about RM or BE; their shenanigans (especially the former's) are well covered on this blog. I merely want to note (perhaps again) that note only were those shenanigans frustrating in that they were committed in an attempt to win my favor--even after I'd already told each of them to quit it--but that they ended up making things worse, because I don't sit around waiting for people to do things for me.

Some dating coaches and such will say: there's your problem--you're too independent! Guys want to help you with stuff, and you have to allow them to. Okay. Fair enough. I'll allow a guy I actually want to date, to do stuff for me (ironically, the last time that happened, said guy later complained that he was doing too much stuff for me). I don't have to allow random dudes whom I don't want in my life to do stuff for me. And to the extent that 'allowed' guys can do stuff for me, they should at least get to know me well enough so that it's stuff I want/need? I'm not a child and I'm not incompetent at life. If letting dudes into my life means, among other things, letting dudes buy me things and do me favors, I can do that. But I don't have to let dudes in just because they try to buy me things or do me favors.