Not a guilty pleasure

I was not particularly interested in food on Saturday, when I did my food shopping. I still associated food with pain and nausea, and I had to push myself to imagine that I one day again want to eat. But I made myself buy some vegetables, and I even batch-cooked them when I got home. I even made rice. But I still wasn't feeling the food.

By Monday, I was feeling the food, except I didn't have much around the house. I just kind of went hungry that day. On Tuesday, I went to an event after work that was followed by a reception, at which I needed to talk someone, but I was on the verge of hunger-induced collapse. There was nothing I wanted to eat less than the brownie bites and cookies that were being served, but they were there, and I was really, really hungry. I had some, in what was probably the most joyless, functional consumption of dessert ever. Until today, when I found myself in the same situation. I'd had a small sweet potato and a glass of soymilk for lunch, and then a handful of almonds a few hours later. And had a couple more hours at the office. I'd worked out. I was starving. And there were remains of a leftover cake in the kitchenette.

I don't even like cake (at least not sheet cake; certainly not Costco cake). But I needed to be at work, think straight, and get work done. So I sliced off a small piece, shaved off the frosting, held my nose, and ate it.

I tell you all this because it's illustrative of just how much I don't miss dairy or sugar. In India, where dairy was unavoidable, my reaction wasn't 'woo hoo! an excuse to eat dairy!' It was more, 'oh, well, I guess I'd better eat dairy.' Similarly, today and Tuesday, my attitude was the opposite of 'woo hoo! I am justified in having brownies/cookies/cake.' It was more, "f* it; I'm starving, and this is what's here. I'd much rather have an apple, but this is it."

So I'm going to be better about planning and preparing food, even when I'm not feeling it. But I wanted to reiterate, to those of you who thought that veganism/macrobiotics were an issue of strong willpower, that's they're more an issue of how I prefer to eat.