What's wrong with just being polite?

My parents both like to remind me from time to time that I have failed at a lot of things. Regularly, although not often, one or both will wax nostalgic about how they had such high hopes and drove me around to so many different lessons, and yet nothing stuck. I say 'nostalgic' because the tone is less bitter, more investigative, slightly mocking, and quite lighthearted; it's a tone a parent would use to tell a child about his or her first attempts at standing up, walking, using language. Much like that kind of reveling in the past, it never gets old (to them).

They've probably been doing it all my life, but I noticed it for the first time several years ago, when I was feeling particularly sensitive and, call me a wuss, but for some reason it upset me. I did not emotionally benefit from hearing my parents laugh about how in spite of their best efforts, I entered adulthood talentless. I didn't say anything then, because saying these things to my parents, as you can tell in earlier blogs, is like saying them to a brick wall. Their behavior would not change, but perhaps I would have incurred a lecture on how I was too sensitive, and so, every once in a while, I tune out while one or both parents verbalizes their stroll down memory lane. It goes something like this:

"We tried to expose you to that; you know, we tried to expose you to everything... dance, skating, art-- oh, you brought home the most hideous sculpture from art class once-- what else?" ...and so on.

I don't remember what brought this on the other day. I had called her, because, having apparently caught on to the fact that I don't read most of her spam, she has taken to calling me to tell me to check my e-mail and to call her when I have. A friend of a friend of hers has discovered Google Video, so she'll forward videos of elephants giving birth and such. She leaves an incredulous 'where are you' message on my voice mail practically every Wednesday night, along with instructions to watch whatever video she has sent, as she still, however many Wednesday nights into my class, has not caught on the fact that I have class on Wednesdays. So I called her, and something I said triggered the 'we tried everything with you speech,' and it annoyed me.

Sometimes I think about retaliating, i.e. saying the same kind of thing to her and accusing her of being too sensitive when she complains. I really think the woman has no idea that there are things people don't bring up with her out of respect and sensitivity. She didn't seem to react well over the holidays when I gently reminded her that she had crashed my IRA account.

Case in point: My mother is convinced that she gives amazing gifts, and maybe she does. Most people say thank you, some write a thank you note, and in either case, profess the suitability of the gift. That's what people do. My mother does not do that, especially with close friends and family. A friend of hers brought her a gift from Georgia (the country) of what I thought was a beautiful wooden carving; she responded by screaming at him about how it doesn't match her decor at all and what was she supposed to do with it, as my dad and I sat back horrified. She brags about what a great gift-giver she is, perhaps because no one else is rude enough to give her a similar lecture. While she does have some concept that people sometimes say things out of politeness, she seems to think that that politeness is only addressed to others.

Almost a year ago, c. 2pm: Mom: What an ugly blazer!
A.: I really like it.

Hours later, Jason shows up.

Jason: I love that blazer!
A.: Did you hear that mom? Jason loves the blazer.
Mom: Jason must be a very polite person.


Over five years ago; I'd returned from a wedding in England. My parents had picked me up at the airport and brought me to their house. I was going through my suitcase to retrieve some gifts I had brought them, and took out the dress I'd worn to the wedding.

Mom: Ugh, TELL ME you did NOT wear that dress to the wedding! That is the ugliest dress ever made.

A.: Actually it went over quite well. Apparently it was even voted second-best dress.

Mom: Oh, people were just being polite.


About a year and a half ago at my parents' house, my mother asks me about a wedding I'd gone to a month before. I offer to show her the pictures, which the bride had posted online. I'm in one of the pictures.

Mom: WHAT is that you're wearing??
A.: A dress.
Mom: It's just awful!
A.: Other people seem to like it.
Mom: They're just being polite.


At this point, my question is, what's wrong with just being polite?