Control

My mother needs to be the center of attention and in control of every situation at all times. That's why she starts yelling at me to get off the computer the second I'm on it, even though she had no need for it before I got to it; that's why she lectures me about watching TV; and that's why she talks to me when I do yoga.

Before I launch into any of those issues in detail, I have a correction to make. I used to say, when I still lived in Boston, that the decision to get my own apartment (shared, but not with my parents, which was unfathomable to them) was worth the $500/month just to not have to answer the "when are you coming home" question. And that's still something. It wasn't that I didn't want anyone to know when I'd be coming home; it was more that I didn't know when I was coming home and I wanted to reserve the right to window shop or do something else after work and I didn't like explaining myself to anyone. Today's version of this issue is my answering the phone and telling my mom it's a bad time and that I'll call her later, and her not letting me off the phone until I tell her when 'later' is. It just grates after a while.

Anyway, that freedom was one of many factors making the apartment (house, actually) worth its price. Another was the ability to get up and go, away from my parents' constant dilly-dallying. We were going to go for a walk yesterday morning; I was ready. But if it's not one thing it's another and it was mid-afternoon before my mom was ready to go for a walk, at which point I wasn't interested. I'm just that much of a morning person-- I get increasingly lazy as the day progresses.

The dilly-dallying has ALWAYS bothered me... days, mornings are not to be wasted. My parents agree with me on this in theory, but contrive so many things to do before they manage to leave the house-- whether it's to the beach or just for a local walk--that I have a lot of time to seethe. I enjoy spending time with them and going on walks with them, but I appreciate the power, at home, of getting up, getting a few things together, and being able to go on a bike ride, for example, first thing in the morning before the trail gets crowded or the streets busy or the air too hot and humid. If my parents lived with me and wanted to join me on my bike rides, I'd be in nap mode by the time they got ready to leave the house.

Which is one of the main reasons that I'm staying in a hotel tonight before my meeting tomorrow. I would anyway, but my mother started trying to talk me out of it, telling me to just stay here and she'd drive me in the morning. I want to be somewhere that in case of bad traffic I could just walk, but I want to be in control of the getting-ready process, too, and not waiting for her to water the plants at the last minute.

***

Anyway, back to the control/attention theme, although I'll digress with one more thing first:

Mom: HOW do you manage to always tear the linings in your coats.

A.: I don't know. [I don't contest the claim that I take less than good care of my clothing.]

Dad: It's not a very big coat... it wouldn't fit over a sweater.

A.: I wouldn't wear the coat over a sweater anyway.

Dad: And you're suprised that I think you don't know how to dress for cold weather!

[I let it go, wasn't about to try to explain what I'd meant.]

***

Yesterday, I was reading the paper online, as I often do. My mother was doing other things, on another floor, for most of the time I was reading the paper. I was waiting for her for something, and decided to read more of the paper in the mean time. Naturally, as soon as she came downstairs and saw me at the computer, she started to protest.

"Are you going to be at the computer all day?"

"Not at all."

Several minutes elapse, during which she does not indicate she actually needs the computer. She's busy doing other things.

"Okay, get off the computer!"

"One minute, please."

"NO! GET OFF NOW!"

"Let me finish what I'm reading."

Now, I didn't actually much care about what I was reading, but out of principle I stayed put. I wanted to make it clear that nagging me, rather than letting me finish what I'm doing, will not get her to the computer any faster. I told her I'd be done in a minute, had two paragraphs left.

"I'm just going to turn off the computer."

"That's not going to get you onto the computer any faster."

She shuts off the computer.

Later, she says, "I'm thinking about which one of us is wrong in this situation. I think it's you."

"It's a little bit of both of us."

She does her thing on the computer and says I can have it.

"I don't actually need it. I was just finishing my article out of principle."

"I didn't need it either; I was kicking you off out of principle."

Dad smirks, says, "I'd never doubt you two were related."

***

The issue is, my mother has something to say about whatever activity I'm engaged in. As with over the holidays, this weekend it's television. My favorite comment is, "Have you stopped reading, with all the TV that you watch?" because if I were reading (which I have always done and still do quite a bit), I'd get, "enough reading!" She'd find some reason as to why reading were the wrong thing to be doing. She has said that, actually.

My insistence that I don't watch that much TV falls on deaf ears. There's nothing wrong with watching a lot of TV, or maybe there is, but my belief on the matter is that it's a medium like any other and there's good TV and there's bad TV. I regularly watch what I consider good TV (Daily Show, Colbert Report) and occasionally watch exceptionally trashy TV because it's fun and I need the brain candy. The amount of trashy TV that I watch, with the level of critical scrutiny I watch it with, is not going to turn me into someone who can name more American Idol contestants than U.S. presidents (I've never seen American Idol... okay, more Project Runway contestants than U.S. presidents). I still wear underwear and I've never spent $5,000 on a handbag. I tune in for the odd serving of celebrity news not in place of world news but because of it. Do excuse the forthcoming pun, but it is because actual train wrecks are so traumatizing to me that I like to distract myself from them by turning my attention to celebrity train wrecks.

I've never seen a lot of shows I hear to be excellent or at least good, like Lost, 24, etc. Some friends made me watch an episode of Desperate Housewives and I hated it. I'd never seen any of that OC, Felicity, Ally McBeal, etc. stuff. And I don't recognize any of the newer actors and actresses that became famous through those shows.

I try to explain this to my parents so that they'll stop asking me who they all are, but they seem convinced that I recognize every 15-minute celebrity out there. I
do watch the Fashion Police. This is what I had to put up with while it was showing:

Mom: Who's that?
A.: I don't know.

Mom: Who's that?
A.: I don't know.

Mom: Who's that?
A.: I think that's the woman who plays ugly betty.
Mom: Who's she?
A.: An actress.
Mom: Why is she there?
A.: I don't know.

Mom: Who's that?
A.: I don't know.

Mom: Who's that?
A.: I don't know.

Mom: Who's that?
A.: I don't know.

Mom: Who's that?
A.: Beyonce.
Dad: That's not Tyra?
A.: No.

Now before you get offended by the way my dad confounds black celebrities, keep in mind that he also thinks that every blond celebrity is Britney Spears. Equal opportunity confusion.

***

Yesterday morning I was doing a pilates video for the first time. My mother came downstairs in the middle of it.

"You're not using the ankle weights."

"I used them for the previous tape, already did that one."

"Your leg's not straight enough."
"You're not at the right angle."
"You're not doing it the way she's doing it."

"Mom!"

"Don't be so sensitive, I'm just trying to help."

"My leg's not straight because I can't get my leg that straight. Let me concentrate on what they're doing, please."

At which point she stopped critiquing my positions but continued to talk to me.

This morning I did yoga. I didn't have the video with me because she'd copied it earlier to her DVR hard drive and because I've done it so many times that I don't need the video (but it helps). I was about a third through it when she came downstairs and asked me if I wanted the video, I said it wasn't necessary but if she had it handy please do find it. She kept talking through the process of finding on the DVR hard drive. I asked her to stop (very politely since she was trying to help). She found other ways to keep talking to me. By Tree Pose, which really requires a lot of concentration, I almost lost it and snapped. Instead, I said, "can you please not talk to me until I'm done? I really need to concentrate."
She tried, but it was hard. She has a very difficult time not having my undivided attention.

That's another reason that she doesn't actually like it when I read... I'm less at her beck and call.

***

Okay close call. I hit some button and Russian letters came up. I’m now typing this in Word and will paste it. She came by to try to see what I did and I had to switch windows fast.

Anyway, back to the issue of control…

A.: Do you have a waffle iron, by chance?
Mom: I believe I do. Do you need it?
A.: I don’t need it but I’m thinking of getting one.
Mom: I was going to give ours away.
A.: In that case, could I have it?
Mom: Sure. Are you going to make waffles?
A.: I’d like to have the option.
Mom: I have a crèpe maker.
A.: So do I.
Mom: Crèpes are better.
A.: I’d like to make waffles sometime.
Mom: You can roll anything into a crèpe.
A.: You can put anything over a waffle.
Mom: Not everything… you wouldn’t put fried cabbage on a waffle.
A.: No, I wouldn’t. It’s not a big deal if you don’t have it or don’t want to part with it.
Mom: Oh, no, I’ll find it… I just don’t understand why you’d want to make waffles.

Why does she need to understand why I’d make waffles???