A. waxes philosophical about busybodies and empty gestures

Reading "Talk to the Hand" is inspiring close readings of everyday interactions. One such close reading follows.

It was freezing this morning when I walked to the metro. I saw a train coming and ran for it, knowing that I probably wouldn't make it, when this guy said, "you're not going to make that train." Fair enough.

A few minutes later, I'm minding my own business, waiting for the next train, when he comes up to me, apparently to share a cautionary tale:

"You know, one woman, she ran for the train... she ran all the way up the escalator, but when she got to the top, she collapsed."

"Oh."

"They had to call 911 and everything."

Pause, as I refuse to engage in this completely useless conversation, but attempt to remain civil.

"Where are you going, anyway?"

Pause, to indicate that that's none of his business. Then, "Union Station."

"Oh, well then you just take the yellow line up to Gallery Place, and there you'll switch to the red..."

Nodding, puzzled glare, which apparently registered with him because he said, "well, you probably know where you're going," and stopped talking.

Okay, there are people who go to the metro and don't know where to transfer to get to their destination. For those people, there are handy maps. Should those people be unable to decipher said maps, those people can ask a metro employee or other passengers. In no way is there demand for someone to go around to people and tell them how to make the necessary connections.

It's less that the interaction bothered me and more that I find it intriguing. Perhaps he figured that I knew where I was going and was just trying to make conversation, but why make conversation that you know isn't going to go anywhere? I wonder how many other people would have pretended to find his information useful out of a need to be social or even polite? I felt no such obligation, which is not to imply that I'm above social obligations on the whole; rather, I first of all feel little social obligation to strangers who force conversation on me to pass the time, in spite of my clear lack of interest. That lack of social obligation is sanctioned by Miss Manners. Second, in my old age I find I have little energy to feign appreciation for empty gestures.

I thought my sense of social obligation was erring on the low side today at work, when I couldn't be bothered to laugh at a stupid joke someone had made. I've laughed at stupid jokes before, and I'm sure I will again, but I just wasn't feeling it. A lot of people, women especially, will feel that they have to talk, laugh; and a lot of people, men especially, come to expect that the other will welcome their overtures or at least feign welcoming their overtures. And sometimes we all do that. And the first time metro busybody spoke to me, I didn't tell him to eff-off. It was only after he continued to talk to me that I nonverbally signaled it, and to his credit and my relief, he accepted the signals before I had to verbalize my lack of interest.

Anyway, when I later thought about the encounter it reminded me of dealing with someone I sort-of-dated a long time ago, for a different reason (i.e., did he actually think I (or anyone on the metro) needed his guidance?). I was young and naive, and had yet to lose that detrimental tendency of giving people the benefit of the doubt... in other words, I was slow to catch on to the fact that this guy was quite selfish and inconsiderate. But he's a bizarre breed of selfish and inconsiderate-- and I don't use breed lightly, I mean he's a prototype that I and my friends have witnessed in different incarnations. He somehow thought that he could make up for his inconsiderateness with... you guessed it, empty gestures.

It was a sunny winter Sunday before finals during my first semester of grad school. I'd planned to go for a walk to get some fresh air and clear my head before I continued to study. He called, asked if I wanted to go to a book fair. It sounded interesting, so I told him I had an exam the next day and also wanted to go for a walk, to which he said, no problem, we'll just pop into the book fair and then go for a walk. He doesn't have a car; I drive us to the book fair. After about an hour, I suggest we get going. He says, fine, just fifteen more minutes. Fifteen minutes later, I repeat that I'd like to leave. He asks for a little bit more time. This pattern repeats itself for at least another hour, maybe an hour and a half, at which point I am livid and threaten to leave him there. He apologizes profusely, but those apologies are hollow since what I really want is my day back. As I pull out of the parking lot, I spot a grocery store, ask if he wouldn't mind if I popped in for a minute to grab a loaf of bread, save me a trip later in the day. "Oh, no problem at all. In fact, go ahead, do all your grocery shopping. I'll help you carry the groceries!"

Dude, I have a car and you don't. What are you going to do, help me carry them from the shopping cart to my trunk?

That is an empty gesture. Offering something I clearly don't need does not make up for taking away something that I care about (my time). In her book, Lynne Truss talks about reciprocal effort, of being met half-way. Someone holds the door for you, so say thank you, they say you're welcome, everyone moves on. Someone acknowledges your presence, you acknowledge their act, etc. Offering something I am very likely to need (help carrying groceries, metro directions) and expecting gratitude is neutral and slightly annoying in the latter case, and straight-up offensive when that something is ostensibly offered to make up for an act of discourtesy.

This isn't ego; it doesn't matter that I need no help carrying my groceries, that I usually walk to and from the supermarket, etc. It doesn't matter that I could transfer to the red line in my sleep-- in fact, I probably have. I transfer to the red line so often that I know exactly which yellow line train car to board so that I'll exit at just the right escalator when the train reaches Gallery Place. What does matter is that neither person had any reason to believe that I would in any way benefit from what they were offering.

So how is this different from Bonnie several postings back, about whom I wrote, "when someone gives you a gift, just say thank you"?

That's just it... I think I resent the implied solicitation of gratitude, since these people were both pretty much just wasting my time with empty gestures. If "thank you" means something, it means "thank you for doing something for me or making the effort to do something for me." I'm not going to expend appreciation on empty gestures, just like I'm not always going to laugh at stupid jokes. Someone else can do that.

Anyway, unlike the metro busybody, who backed off in time, book fair guy just kept annoying me. I stopped to get gas, he got out to wash my windshield. Okay, fine, that's at least useful, but it doesn't make up for the fact that he blatantly and disrespectfully disregarded my needs for hours. At some point he asked me why I was so stressed out, and I said, "I have an final tomorrow!" His, "Oh, why didn't you tell me, if I had known, I wouldn't have dallied..." made me even angrier-- I need to tell him WHY I didn't want to spend an entire afternoon at a book fair? Just saying "I'd like to leave now, I have things to do" wasn't enough? Besides, I had told him earlier that I had a final, but that's not the point. He also took away my time for a walk, and if there's anything I find hard to forgive, it's people who waste MY beautiful winter days. Like the woman who hit me with her car door two years ago when I was on my bike, taking away what would most likely be the last day for a while to go on a bike ride, this guy had taken away something irretrievable.

There's a concept in negotiations theory that I'm going to butcher here, but the key point as I understand it is that you don't offer to trade something mundane for something sacred. Trying to offer a flat screen TV to get someone to cede a place of worship is sure to aggravate the situation. Providing junk mail as compensation for an hour of wrongful imprisonment doesn't work. Offering to "carry my groceries" in exchange for wasting my time and my sunlight... you get the idea.

So why did metro busybody remind me of book fair guy? He'd caused no offense, his empty gesture wasn't in exchange for anything except the expectation of gratitude, in lieu of which I extended a nod and neutral look. I think that really is it: I wasn't about to act grateful for something I didn't ask for and in overwhelming likelihood didn't need in any way, and already being annoyed that this guy had taken it upon himself to lecture me about running to the metro, I wasn't about to validate his busybodiness nor his attempt to impose social obligation on me. Yet I'm willing to spend time writing a close reading of the interaction... what can I say, it's therapeutic.

***
One more thing: another part of this phenomenon has gotten press recently, this idea of "I'm going to assume you want something and provide it, and you're going to be grateful." There was an article recently in the New York Times, something like You May Kiss the Chef's Napkin Ring. It was more generally about customer service in restaurants, which has shifted away from the patron, and one element of this has been a trend toward telling people what they want. Not suggesting it politely, but taking on a tone and saying, "this appetizer goes best with the other entree," etc. I don't frequent posh, celebrity-chef restaurants, so the article was interesting but largely... voyeuristic, for lack of a better word, but haven't we all experienced that? I experienced it recently with my bank, when a mistake on their part caused me to overdraw my account; I called to resolve the issue, but the customer service associate tried to sell me overdraft protection services. The first sales attempt could be attributed to training or poor judgment, but he proceeded to insist several times that that service really was right for me. I've had this happen at the Body Shop. Salespeople, waitstaff, in my understanding are there to sell things, and there to help you figure out what you want. They only alienate customers when they cross the line into telling them what they want, convincing them of what they want.

I hope everyone's day is free of empty gestures.