Some people just never learned relationship skills

Mom's back to slamming doors. Earlier, she told dad (who was in the kitchen) that he'd have to visit me if he wanted to see me again, because she didn't want me in the house. Then she came into the living room and said the same to me, adding that she had to maintain the little self-esteem she had left (mom is not one to appreciate irony). I left for the kitchen, where dad said "don't worry; check back with her in a few hours. Or, buy her another vacuum."

Later, dad went upstairs. The phone rang and both picked up on different phones. For the second time this week, mom screamed over the recorded message (the first was a reminder for a doctor's appointment; the second was a prescription-pickup message) and dad couldn't hear it. Mom's habit of screaming into the phone is another one that precedes her illness. As does her resistance to doing otherwise when asked, and freely dishing out what she won't take. See, mom's resistance to such requests--it's not even criticism--is all the more ironic because she so freely craps on everyone else, and tells them not to be so sensitive.

In order to coexist with other people, you have to be able to talk about your needs and listen when someone else says you're not meeting his or hers, without getting defensive. In relationships especially, you need to be able to discuss difficult things. I'll re-link to and excerpt from a Dr. Nerdlove column on communication:

Another thing I see people do that inadvertently shuts down communication between couples: they try to be too “safe”. They avoid controversial topics. They “agree to disagree” whenever a subject becomes too heated. They try to put out verbal fires before they even start. It’s a noble idea, one that arises out of the best of intentions: minimizing conflict in a relationship. The idea is that the fewer arguments you have in a relationship, the better (or more mature or what-have-you) the relationship is.

I’m not going to lie: as soon as somebody tells me that they never fight or stop fights before they happen, I mentally start the countdown clock to their incredibly ugly break-up. As good as it is to handle things calmly and maturely, trying to squash any possible disagreements or friction can actually end up making things worse in the long run. When the goal becomes avoiding the fight or heading the conflict off at the pass, then often very little actually gets resolved; it becomes a matter of prizing the calm surface and ignoring the currents raging underneath. This is, in many ways, the opposite of communication. You may be talking, but you’re shutting down a dialogue that you may well need to be having.

Think of it like forest fires. As dangerous as they are, some fires are actually necessary for the forest’s ecology; they’re critical for habitat renewal and prevent the buildup of flammable debris. By focusing on wildfire suppression, you actually end up making things worse, not only preventing revitalization of the region but increasing the risk of larger, far more dangerous fires that can destroy an area beyond repair.

It also means creating an environment where someone feels comfortable expressing those needs with the expectation of being heard and respected.

Treating your partner’s desires or concerns as something unimportant – or worse, just stupid – is a great way to gut-shoot a relationship; it may not die immediately, but you’ve definitely set it on the path to a long, slow and torturous ending. Diminishing someone’s insecurities, telling someone they’re being childish or stupid or that they don’t have a right to feel the way they do is an indication of how you feel about them as a person.

***
As I was putting this post together, mom came back in the room and sat on the other couch.

Mom: I don't want to see you. Do you hear me? I hope you understand: I don't want to see you. You have a father, but he can visit you. I don't want to see you. It costs me too much.