The importance of listening

This was previously part of the roundup, but there was too much I wanted to comment on, and it got out of control, so it's getting its own post. Note: the two linked posts and associated excerpts are based on (hetero)sexual relationships, but they're relevant to all relationships--even transactional ones. The Dr. Nerdlove excerpt echoes something I wrote about RM: I couldn't understand why was finding mysteries about things with direct answers. His unwavering conviction in his own narrative blocked out any actual information provided to him, even as he verbally sought answers. The next piece invoked RM as well: as much as the consequences of RM's declining to listen infuriated me, the very fact that he blatantly declined to listen scared the shit out of me. I could give you many, many 'mom' examples of the same, where whatever mom did by not listening was frustrating, but what truly galled me was that she did it after I distinctly told her not to. There was that Hax column I linked to not too long ago, about the MIL who didn't understand why her DIL was so upset about being disregarded. [I may update this post with links to those at another time, but right now my computer is being painfully slow.]

Here's a low-salience, transactional example of how true the 'red flag' thing is: I even blogged about this at the time, and I still remember it years later. I was in the market for an energy audit and I'd called or emailed around for some estimates. One provider called me at a bad time--I had a minute before I had to leave my desk for a meeting--but I picked up not knowing who it would be, and promptly told him that I'd call him back because I had to go. But he kept talking. He insisted that I hear him out. Which convinced me that I wanted nothing to do with him.

I also have an example similar to the one in the second linked post. I told a guy who asked me out on a second date that I had mixed feelings after the first and felt that he'd come on too strong, but said give me a few days because I wasn't feeling well (was recovering from a cold) and might be up for seeing him again. So he started emailing me with self-absorbed, creepy messages. Which told me definitively that my instinct was spot-on.

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Dr. Nerdlove's piece on being a good man gets into the importance of listening:

Many of the problems women have with men revolve around the ways men don’t respect women’s perspectives or experiences – even when understanding and respecting them would benefit us. By not respecting them enough to listen – really listen – we end up shutting down avenues of communication that would otherwise make things easier on everybody.  We assume that we know what women really want from men and get angry about it, even when women protest that no, that’s not what they want at all.

That piece links to Phaedra Starling's "Schrodinger's Rapist" piece, which I'd missed until now. Many important ideas, including first and foremost the idea that our safety is more important than your feelings,

To begin with, you must accept that I set my own risk tolerance. When you approach me, I will begin to evaluate the possibility you will do me harm. That possibility is never 0%... Women are under no obligation to hear the sales pitch before deciding they are not in the market to buy.

but she also talks about how not listening is a red flag:

If you fail to respect what women say, you label yourself a problem.

Because a man who ignores a woman’s NO in a non-sexual setting is more likely to ignore NO in a sexual setting, as well.

So if you speak to a woman who is otherwise occupied, you’re sending a subtle message. It is that your desire to interact trumps her right to be left alone. If you pursue a conversation when she’s tried to cut it off, you send a message. It is that your desire to speak trumps her right to be left alone. And each of those messages indicates that you believe your desires are a legitimate reason to override her rights.

For women, who are watching you very closely to determine how much of a threat you are, this is an important piece of data.