Sunday ramble: part II

Last weekend I went for a long walk with some friends, one of whom was in from out of town. They not-quite complained about their husbands--specifically, about how they have to spell everything out for them in step-by-step instructions for the household to function smoothly in their absence. In response, I shared my recent thoughts on dating, with regard to being very wary of men who'd be just another child for you to take care of. When is that fine, if they have redeeming qualities? The friends knew of my travails with the last bf, which so scarred me and taught me to beware the man-child.

They did think I was overreacting to bathroom guy's inability to check a menu, and I acknowledged that it would have been less of an issue had I actually wanted to go out with him (see: bed, crackers): I didn't want to go out with him, so his tactical errors made it easier--gave me a pretext--not to. So what do I do after my date this afternoon with a guy who did nothing wrong (and there was Nothing Wrong with him)?

There was zero chemistry. Zero, not 2 on a scale from one to ten or even one to a hundred. He was a decent guy, and we had a decent conversation. He held his end of it. He did say he wasn't outdoorsy, which is another red flag post last serious relationship, but unlike F., this guy was interested in getting out more (he brought this up independently; I didn't test him for it). Do I go out with him again, if he asks? I feel fully comfortable saying, "I enjoyed talking to you, but felt no chemistry." But should I?

I told my friends last week that at this point, I turn down so many dudes that I'm single because me. It must be me. But is that really true?

***
I realize that I've come to resent men for finding me attractive. And I meta-realize how absurd that is. It's rooted in gender politics, to some extent: I have my own double-standards. I don't judge women's bodies--I'd say it's because I don't evaluate women for dating, but I don't evaluate most men for dating... and actually, that works, because I don't think about the physical appearance of men who I'm not also considering dating.

Although, I smirked recently when a (gay) friend said that [a guy we know] could stand to hit the gym. My friend's comment was delicious; it allowed me to revel in someone else's cattiness without perpetuating it myself. But I would have been horrified had someone said that about a woman. This shocks a lot of guys, who seem to think women are always treating other women as competition. I really lost respect for BE--more for this than all the other crap--when he spoke disparagingly of women. That he thought he was flattering me was all the more insulting: I'm not flattered by the debasement of other women; I haven't internalized the mysoginy that would allow me to be flattered by the debasement of other women. He never understood that; he thought I was being humble, magnanimous, democratic; when I was really just put off and disgusted. The only thing that disgusted me more was when he spoke disparagingly of the homeless. And derisive comments about other women was just one way he hamhandedly tried to flatter me by inclusion in some rarified category. I remember when he attempted to explain a mutual thorn in our sides--someone I didn't care for myself, but didn't feel the need to actively complain about, whereas BE really couldn't stand him--by saying "I'm sure he was bullied, whereas I've always been popular." That didn't endear me to BE.

But enough about BE. Except to say, who the f* do you think you are to debase women for their weight? I didn't have the same reaction to my friend's comment, in part because he was talking about a man but also because he himself did hit the gym. Maybe that shouldn't matter, but it does. In a way, this ties back to my roundup earlier tonight, in which I wrote that,

I couldn't find anything to be offended about in Vernon's "I like being thin" piece; I identify with most of it, minus the part about other people caring. But especially about how the best part is not having to care.

It also ties back to the cool-girl discussions (the cool girl would never own up to trying to be thin; she's effortlessly thin). Even though I'm incidentally thin--not naturally thin, but thin because of things I don't specifically do with thinness in mind, such as exercise and healthful eating--I'm not going to fall into the cool-girl trap of pretending that it doesn't matter to me or that it's effortless. I don't make sacrifices for my shape; I pretty much eat whatever I want, and work out for strength and recreation. Nevertheless, no pain, no gain is real and I hurt after those squats. So any dude who takes interest in the shape of my ass that those squats inform, had better get his own ass to the gym. Anything else is just hypocrisy and double standards.

I've a friend who loves to go on about how women have been sold a bill of goods: an entire generation of women has been convinced that looks aren't important. I'd argue that it's men who've been sold that very bill of goods. Attractiveness matters.