On dickishness, double standards, and listening

It wasn't the first time that BE said or did something to annoy me, but it was probably the first time he said something so dickish that I realized definitively that I couldn't respect him: he referred to homeless people as 'bums.' Specifically, he referred to the residents of the homeless shelter where I volunteer--as we sorted non-perishables that he'd brought me, because he thought they were valuable, but that I would turn over to the shelter--as 'bums.' I wasn't just offended academically; I was offended viscerally. I interact with those residents (there's turnover, obviously, so it's not generally the same residents); they are people. Incidentally, BE (and I think I told you guys this) also took a fatherly tone and suggested that I stay out of homeless shelters. Which also pissed me off, for different reasons, but I digress.


His language was off-putting, but was it enough to make me think that much less of him? It's not as if I never use dismissive language about people or condone it among my friends. I don't care for the phrase 'ugly people,' but I laugh when my friends use it, generally because they're referring to a self-selected category of people who choose to go out looking sloppy, rather than people who have fallen on hard times.

But back to BE for a second, because he just recently said (or rather tweeted) something so incredibly dickish that I again lost any modicum of respect for him, and promptly unfollowed him: he tweeted that there were "pretty girls" at a certain casual dining establishment, and then followed up to say, "that is until they marry their cousins and gain 300 pounds." Needless to say, I thought, "what an asshole" and (not for the first time) "who the hell do you think you are to pass jugment on these people?"

All still valid. And no less valid just because I'm no saint; most of us make snap judgments based on appearance, but there's a line between having our own gut reactions and preferences and expressing them as if there were some obligation for others to adhere to them. So while I couldn't believe anyone would think to critique Gabourey Sidibe's Golden Globes look, I have to admit that I recently mocked someone not for his girth, but for inappropriate behavior that was even worse--and thus, also more hilarious in immitation--because of his girth. Do I still get to balk at BE's obnoxious tweets?

There's more: over drinks with some friends, we discussed a guy in terms that, if I'd overheard men using to discuss women, would have horrified me. But dudes are not the constantly objectified gender in this world, so it was different when the ladies said it. It being along the lines of his face isn't all that, but the frame! and I wouldn't want a relationship with him; he's just nice to look at. "He" isn't a coworker, but someone we interact with occasionally in an official capacity.

Look: women are not that different from men; looks do matter to us, and we're going to think inelegant thoughts along the lines of but-his-face. We're going to share those thoughts with our girlfriends. That's all understandable. It's once you take to social media or a similar platform to declare what other people--especially a specific person--had better look like before they're fit to appear before your eyes, that you become a douche bag.

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While I'm bitching (particularly about BE, and I may as well throw WMF in here), let's talk about listening. WMF in particular is a terrible listener, which can be kind of a relief when you don't feel like talking a lot or want to deflect a question. It doesn't take much to set her talking about herself. She was one of the first people I interacted with after my last big breakup--she meant well, and she showed up just as I needed to get mom off the phone (since mom wasted no time in blaming me and pointing out that I could be more "kitten-like")--but then she started on what seemed like a prepared speech: "let me tell you about the time I was suddenly single..." and so on. And I just thought, I'd like to be appreciative of what she's trying to do, but I honestly don't care. And what she was trying to do was point out that we've all be there and that I'd be fine, but I already knew that I would be fine (and she would have known that had she listened); I wasn't okay at that moment, and if I needed anything from anyone else then, it was for someone to just listen without advice or judgment or condescension.

I've written about this before, but I really don't understand what possesses people like WMF and BE to lecture; it really doesn't endear the listener to them. Actually, I think I do: it comes down, as it always does, to an insecurity of theirs that has nothing to do with me.

So, WMF stopped by my office yesterday afternoon, as I was trying to get a gazillion things done before I had to leave. The last few months at work have been non-stop insanity, the result of which is sustained and compounded exhaustion. At the same time, it's been fascinating and amazing. I remain in awe of the opportunities I get at work; I get paid to learn and to talk to some of the most interesting people in the world. Wouldn't you say, readers, that this is generally consistent with how I talk about my job? "I love it, but I'm tired." You'll never have read something like, "poor me, I'm so overworked and overburdened; when it comes to suffering, I'm right up there with refugees and Elizabeth Taylor."
And yet, that's what people must hear, based on the response.

Back before I'd formally cut BE off, when I was still merely responding to him with curt messages with the intent to discourage him from interpreting any feelings on my part, he asked me what I'd been up to and I threw out a "mostly work" in response. Which generated, on his part, "could be worse, you could be cleaning toilets at Denny's." Really, asshole? You think I need you to point that out to me? What about that response is either relevant or helpful? But some people like to lecture (note, dudes, that that kind of lecturing belongs on this list). And on a personal level, I imagine the other factors behind BE's response to be (1) dissatisfaction with the substance of my message and (2) feeling threatened because he doesn't have a demanding job, and maybe part of him admires work-related craziness. That wouldn't have crossed my mind unless career-dissatisfied WMF had once said something similar (this was months ago, when she asked about my trip to the Cape; I said it was good but that I hadn't completely disconnected: I was scheduling meetings, from my phone, between the whale watch and carnival). Which elicited from her a 'could be worse' type statement. Which, again, caught me off guard because I didn't recall complaining or woe-is-me-ing; I was merely stating that the vacation wasn't a complete vacation. But later--in conjunction with the clunky Denny's comment from BE--I had to wonder whether there was some jealousy/insecurity at play. Trust me, guys: I'm not playing for status when I say I'm busy; I'm just saying I'm busy, because I am.

Then again, some people do just like to lecture (the behavior is equally annoying, regardless of the root causes). So when WMF stopped by my office late yesterday, I explained that I was super-busy but that I had a few minutes. I explained that I had a new guy on my project, but that he was too new to be all that helpful yet, so there was a lot that I still had to do myself. At which point she started lecturing me about how I was that new once. Which wasn't the point, at all; my comment wasn't a slam on him, but more of a statement to why I was scrambling even though I had staff. Which just backs up the idea that some people just don't miss an opportunity to lecture, but I would urge anyone to miss that opportunity, even if you're not bothered with this list.