Keeping the scorpions out

The icestorm tantrum has been on my mind not just for its general lessons about conflict resolution, but because I've been thinking about how much easier it is to be a "better" person absent agitating stimuli, such as those abundant in the presence of my family. Yes, I do fundamentally believe that we alone are responsible for our actions, including our responses. And I believe in "The Saint and the Scorpion"--that it's my dharma to act as the kind, compassionate, demure person I choose to be, regardless of external stings. I aspire to that, but I'm not there yet. In the spirit of "relapse is part of recovery," I'm not going to beat myself up for snapping at either parent over the holidays; I'm only going to make a point of trying harder not to do it next time around. I'm also going to make a point of limiting my exposure to scorpions.


My parents--each to greatly varying extents--can agitate me, but they're family and they're my challenge to rise to in terms of managing myself in their presence. That leaves even less emotional space for non-family that agitates me. I just can't afford to spend much time with them. And I've done a decent job of keeping them at bay recently.

You've met some of these energy vampires: WMF and BE. Ironically (or not), they've been opposing influences. I told you about how when my last relationship ended, I overreacted. Since I'd gotten burned by dating a castrated, lazy sack of $hit, I was thereafter only in the market for alpha males. I was looking for the guy who would take initiative, make plans, and lead the way. And I'd fallen under some unsavory influences (including that of WMF), which led me to try to draw out that behavior in a guy. And I kind of knew in my head, after I overreacted in this way with a guy I actually cared about, that the alpha-male model wasn't right for me, but part of me wasn't convinced. Until BE started expressing interest in me.

BE is an alpha male (just like RM was an alpha male): overconfident, yet childish; giving, yet inconsiderate in the most literal sense of the word. And it took a few months of that $hit--I mean, I knew from the start that I did not and would not ever have feelings for him, but it took me months to realize that what irked me so about his behavior was the alpha-male qualities. I didn't want someone to make decisions that concerned me, without checking with me first; I didn't want anyone talking down to me and treating me like his little sister; and I certainly didn't want anyone telling me what to do. I also don't want to do those things unto others; my ideal relationship style is much more of a partnership.

People sometimes come into our lives to teach us things, and BE taught me a great deal about what I won't abide in a friend, much less in a partner. He helped me realize for once and for all that alpha males were fundamentally incompatible with my personality. And now that I've learned that lesson, I can release him from any role in my life.