Happy Mother's Day II

Last year on mother's day, I wrote:

While I tend to chronicle the absurd moments because they're more interesting, I want to take this opportunity to say that I really do appreciate my mother for the wonderful person she is and for everything she has done for me.

All of that is still true and I still mean it. My mother is a wonderful person, she has done a lot for me, and I appreciate the sacrifices she has made and (some of the) values she has instilled in me.

It has been a struggle to balance the good with the bad, the nurturing with the abusive, over the last few months, years, perhaps my whole life. I tend to divide the bad, or justify it, into two categories: (1) she means well and (2) she doesn't know any better; it's the only way she knows how to relate to people. Neither of those makes it much more tolerable or justifiable, but they're both true.

I think it was New Year's Day many years ago that a friend pointed out that mom was emotionally abusive, to which I reacted with denial. I also offered that she meant well. My friend (who no longer speaks to her mother) pointed out that that didn't make it okay. You may ask, how can someone who means well be so mean? I can tell you that she's not the only person that believes that thinks that hammering on her child's (or spouse's, other family member's) real or perceived faults and weaknesses is her duty. Mom believes that if she just shows me the light, I'll address those flaws and be a better person, talk less, have more friends who like me for who I am rather than out of politeness. It's evangelical: it would be irresponsible of her to not save me (from being who I am).

There's also a dissonance of perceptions between mother and daughter, where the speaker may intend no criticism but the listener nonetheless interprets it. The mother expresses concern or concerned advice (drive safely, apply to Google, make sure your plate looks like a rainbow (that last one's not mine but it may as well be); the daughter thinks (sometimes accurately), "mom must think I'm incompetent, helpless." People have written books about this, I have not read them. I'm just saying, not all of mom's unsolicited advice is based on her lack of confidence in me. But here's the thing: it's not harmless. It takes a toll and becomes a mom-fulfilling prophecy. I used to think I was the only one who lost things, forgot things, because whenever I did, mom turned it into a me thing rather than an it-happens thing. It turns out, other people lose things, too. Cell phone insurance is a booming business.

Onto justification (2): she doesn't know any better. I wholeheartedly believe this because I grew up not knowing any better, and learned better the hard way. It was painful but liberating to learn, by observing other people and making mistakes, i.e. mimicking the behavior I'd observed growing up, that people don't have to be nasty to each other; that issues can, should be resolved without yelling; that you can request a change in behavior without putting someone down in the process. One of you said about the China blogs, "I can't believe you still talk to your mother. Some of the things she said, did, were so nasty." Which is true. But she doesn't know any better.

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Mother's Day generally falls within several days of my birthday, and this year, in a convoluted way, the proximity between the two is why I'm feeling a bit less forgiving, i.e. why I chose to harp rather than just write a feel-good mother's day post. There just has to be something not quite right when I approach my birthday thinking, "mom is 400 miles away this year-- any emotional abuse will have to be diluted by a telephone connection." I'm happy to report that I got through this birthday without being insulted by my mother (first time in at least two years). Let's hope it's the start of a new tradition.