Dispatch from Boston

Mom, over dinner: Had I known you'd turn out the way you did, I'd have gotten an abortion.

A.: [hysterical laughter.]

Mom: Seriously: I'd have held out for the next one.


I kept laughing.

Dad: What, what'd she say? I was slicing bread and I missed it.

I had to catch my breath, but finally I managed to tell him. Then, I got my phone and texted some people about what she said. Because those people--they, you--enable me to laugh and not cry. In fact, one person called me and said, "that must really hurt," and I said, "actually, I had to laugh." As always with the shitty things mom throws at me, I have so much love in my life that the shit bounces right off.

Which is good, because she kept it coming.

Mom: It's not entirely your fault that nobody wants to be with you. I mean, with your personality, it's hard. [pause] You've gained weight, my dear; did you know that? [Pause] You only think you don't want children; your dad didn't want you.

Dad: That's not true.

Dad poured the wine, pronounced a toast to the effect of, 'may you get that abortion in the next reincarnation.'

***
Before that, it was the usual mom stuff. Which included gossip about the neighbors and conspiracy theories (in particular, the POTUS let in just about anybody so they'd vote for him because he plans to be president for life). Then she got on a "just have a baby! you don't need to be married" kick, which led her to repeat, ad nauseum, "god says go forth and multiply! you're being disobedient to god!"

Then, there's all the hoarding. I went down to the basement to assess the accumulation of cans, and found a can of beets that had burst. There's visible dust everywhere, and nary a functioning vacuum cleaner. I don't understand how they can just leave it there.

On the way out, she said to dad (about me), "do you see how she's dressed?" I pointed out that her shirt was on backwards. She started to take it off, on the porch, and when I suggested she go inside, she said there was no one out there on the street (dad and I prevailed upon her to change inside the house).

I anticipate more of the same tomorrow, but for now she seems to have calmed down.