Wednesday roundup and ramble

Africa is sick of China's $hit.

Food "use by" dates are pretty meaningless and lead to food waste. 

Blackheads are perfectly normal and anyone telling you otherwise is just trying to sell you $hit by convincing you that there's something wrong with you.

(Jennifer) Weiner on Franzen. And while we're (kind-of) on the topic of women and literature, this take-down of Bustle is possibly the best thing Alexandra Petri has ever written (then again, I'm not a consistent enough reader to judge). A choice excerpt:

“How do you spend 30 years on the earth without realizing that women are, for lack of a better word, people?”

Well, the answer is pretty simple: you don’t read.

Reading is one of the few sure-fire ways to become better at being human.

IKTINTPB (I know this is not the point, but...) Smith better not let that idiot graduate until she unlearns to use "haha" in such a tacky way. Otherwise she'd only lower the value of our collective degrees.

Now, onto some truly valuable wisdom for single people:

Seriously, people said the most offensive shit to me — from commenting about how embarrassed I must be to attend my brother’s wedding alone to how I might have better luck if I straightened my hair on first dates. 

Yeah, I've heard similar things. I  mean, I don't have a brother, but more than once someone expressed "sympathy" that I had to go to weddings by myself, when, really, I could not care less. And I've also gotten comments about straightening my hair (and getting highlights and wearing makeup, etc.). Someone even asked me if I felt strange watching the sun set on my own. Are you f*ing kidding me?? Let me throw that misplaced sympathy right back at those people: if you would have issues going to a wedding or watching the sun set on your own, you're in for a tough life.

The one I intellectually know is true but have trouble feeling is, "When something’s right, there’s nothing you can do to screw it up." Yes, I still think about what if I hadn't gone bat$hit on that one guy whom I really liked. But I know I've been more off with others who still asked me out again. I also feel like I didn't know it at the time, but I wasn't ready for a relationship then. In part because I was in such a bad place with mom, which mattered, and in part because, even though my ex was dead to me, I was still working through the damage of that relationship and breakup. I'm in a better place now.

On a quasi-related note, more people Google pick-up tips than cat videos. Just don't end up like the guy called out in this missed connection; take this wisdom:

Let me make this abundantly clear, to you and to the other men reading this: when you comment on a woman's appearance, you are not doing it for her. You are doing it for you. It's not some great way to make a woman feel sexy and appreciated. It's not flattery, even if you mean for it to be. The only thing it is is a great way for you to create a shitty power dynamic, by which you have announced yourself as the arbiter of her value, and you've deemed her fuckable, and she is supposed to be happy or impressed by that.

I would also argue, though, that we have a choice about whether to feel shitty and whether to accept the power dynamic that the guy is trying to impose. Just throw it right back at him: let him suffer.

OMG I love this quote (about Urban Outfitters' pending liquor license):

“We must ask ourselves, ‘Do we really want people drunk when they are buying their skinny jeans and ironic T-shirts?’”                                               --City Councilman Stephen Levin

***

Every time I go to Trader Joe’s, I think about how it sucks not to be me. I see people blocking the aisles with their carts and think, “patience: not everyone lives a ten-minute walk away; some people have to stock up all at once, especially if they have to deal with that horrendous parking lot.” I also magnanimously forgive those who must use carts because they don’t have strong arms like I do.

Sometimes when I think about how it sucks not to be me, I think, I should train people on being me; after all, I often think about how I need an intern. Perhaps I ought to issue a call for applications. While we’re on the topic of how it sucks not to be me: I had lots of fried root vegetables last week: tater tots at Bar Louie for lunch on Friday; sweet potato fries at T.J. Stone’s on Saturday; and home fries at Busboys & Poets for brunch on Sunday. Those home fries make the meal (the vegan sausage is also quite good); the tofu scramble itself is meh. I’ll have to make turnip fries tonight to keep the tradition alive (suck it, carb-haters). If only these carbs were at least helping me maintain my wait! All my size 2P suit jackets are starting to look ridiculous on me, and buying new ones (and hemming the sleeves) is not as much fun as buying new dresses. Though there was some of that this weekend, too.

***
You know Ezekiel Emmanuel’s op-ed the other day about house calls? I didn’t realize that I was in for one when I bought a groupon to get my air ducts cleaned, but Google Voice transcribed the message they left me as follows: "This is your doctor, we’re calling about their dick cleaning." I figured that even if they did a bad job, that was the best $40 ever spent. They didn’t even get to do a crappy job; they stood me up (I wasn’t the first). I got a refund, so the comedy was free. A more reputable company is coming clean my air ducts (not their own dicks) next week.

***
Why air ducts? I guess it’s not a bad thing to do in general, and mine have probably never been cleaned, given the state the rest of the house was in when I bought it. Also, Gracie has asthma, so I’m forever trying to get to the bottom of what causes or exacerbates her wheezing. Also, I’ve done sooooo much work on this house (“I’ve done”= I’ve done some + my friends and family have done a ton + I’ve also paid people to do a lot), that it just feels right to get it as clean as possible.

Now that the house looks good (and works well), maybe I need to have a party. On Halloween, it’ll be five years since I closed. Since then, I refinanced three times; paid off the second mortgage; had built two fences and a shed; replaced every appliance except for the oven (and furnace/AC), but I did get a tankless water heater; replaced the roof; fixed the outlets and rewired a bunch; refinished the tub; got rid of a bunch of crap; acquired a bunch of not-crap; and configured it smartly. Doesn't that call for a party? I'll even keep my appendages intact this time so no one else has to do all the work.