Gaslighting

Robin Stern has written a book about a category of manipulative people she calls gaslighters. They differ from your run-of-the-mill manipulators in a variety of ways. For example, they're in it for control as much as for a desired outcome (per Stern's apparent definition, regular manipulators use you to get something; gaslighters actively mess with your head). The key point, as far as I can tell from reviews and interviews (I learned about this in a one-page interview in Elle; I'll let you find your own sources), is that gaslighters will try to make you think you're crazy.

To be honest, while the thought that my mom may be a gaslighter crossed my mind, other people came to mind more immediately and clearly-- Bonnie (see an earlier blog), an ex-boyfriend, friends of friends, former friends, present and former colleauges. Sure my mom displays some gaslighting traits, but I didn't think she fit the description, until I saw this on the writer's own website:

See scenario 2

Fortunately, it takes two to gaslight, and I don't agree that a mature person should be able to accept insults and personal attacks graciously.

***

Another Robin, a psychologist, says-- with the caveat of not having read the book:


Gaslighting, supposing it gets part of its meaning from the movie, doesn't seem to fit your mother. She is not motivated by gaining control through rendering you unable to challenge, she just wants control and would be unhappy if your mental integrity decreased as a result. Whenever she gets you to adopt her idea she believes you have become smarter and more capable.

Actually, unless the concept is really extended, and hence weakened, I'm not sure it's any improvement over Machiavelli's analysis, Jewish version.