Sunday ramble

It's mere coincidence that shortly after blogging about the good, bad, and ugly of self-help this morning, I went on a date that reinvigorated some old, possibly limiting beliefs. In that post, I linked back to a handful of previous posts, one of which dealt with coming around from the idea that a bossier guy would be more right for me. This gets us into the territory of, you can't have it both ways: you can't want gender roles and then complain about gender roles. You can't expect a guy to take the lead if you're doing things for him. Which is what got me into that mess--that which I had to come around from--in the first place.


I do need to be with an assertive, initiative-taking guy. Because I'm assertive and initiative-taking, and I can't be with someone (again) who fails to step up and then complains that I'm walking all over him (I wasn't, but that's not the topic of this point, and as I said this morning, I've let go completely). Also, I don't want to be the sole, constant social planner, arranger, etc. even with no complaints. All of that also involves hassling people, which gets old. My job involves a lot of planning, arranging, and hassling. I can do it because it's my job; I don't want to do it in a relationship. That may be more of a balance thing than a gender thing, especially as a relationship progresses, but am I wrong do expect more initiative on the part of the guy (yes, I know this is heteronormative; I'm heterosexual) early on?

I don't know if it's wrong, but the fact is that it is. Nothing quashes my feminine energy--to use a pseudosciency, self-helpy term--like having to be the man make all the decisions and lead the way. No, no I don't prefer the opposite extreme. I didn't appreciate it when (years ago) this guy basically named an inconvenient place, on a weeknight, and told me to be there. I did appreciate it that today's date--someone I met speed-dating last weekend--asked me to pick the general area, even as I deferred and tried to come up with something mutually convenient. But he was willing to come to my stomping ground, and had me pick the place... which ended up being packed, so we ended up going for a walk around town, and I ended up leading the way. And playing that role, killed any chemistry that might have been. I mean, I've guided tours of my town before (as a date), but this time was different. Combined with the fact that I had to keep the conversation going.

So, guilty: I want it both ways. I don't want to be pushed around, but I don't want to keep making decisions. I'd like a guy to make a plan, to pick a (mutually convenient) place. What can I say?