Quick Sunday roundup

Today's paper is full of horrifying stories of unjust imprisonment.

So let's go straight to lighter news. On relatability:

“Relatable” is one of those perfectly awful words that has colonized the American vocabulary over an alarmingly short period of time. Writing in The New Yorker last year, Rebecca Mead described its rapid ascent in art and popular culture, but nowhere is it more perfectly at home than in the vacuous vernacular of campaign politics. It perfectly distills both the futility of the most famous woman in American politics embarking on a project to convince everyone that she can in fact relate to their everyday concerns and routines, and vice versa.

Pair with Goopy's self-association with "the common woman."

There is so much wisdom here (from Dr. Nerdlove) and I don't need to send you back through the RM (and mom) parts of this blog to appreciate why it resonates. Recommend reading the whole thing but here are key excerpts:

More often than not the problem isn’t about being socially awkward, it’s about pushing boundaries; claiming that being socially awkward – or defending someone on the grounds that they’re just awkward – means that we shouldn’t be so hard on them becomes about excusing their behavior and helping them put pressure on women to tolerate that behavior. But even when someone genuinely is socially awkward, it ultimately does not matter.

and

Almost everyone has been creeped out by someone out only to be told “Aw, he means well. He just doesn’t know any better,” or “Hey, he’s a nice guy! He does so much for us! He’s just a little awkward, you know?” There’s tremendous social pressure to look the other way, to “give him a second chance”.

Let’s run down just what makes someone creepy again:

• Behaving in a manner that makes someone feel uncomfortable, unsafe or threatened.
• Behaving in a manner that pushes against an individual’s boundaries – especially repeatedly.

That second one is incredibly important and forms a critical distinction: creepers and predators will frequently push against people’s boundaries in order to see what they can get away with. When they get caught, they’ll often claim to be “socially awkward” as a way of deflecting responsibility for their actions and – more importantly – putting pressure on their target to let them violate their boundaries with impunity. Many creepers will turn their actions around on their victim and make it seem as if they’re the one being unreasonable. “Hey, I was just paying you a compliment!” “I just wanted to talk to you!” “It was just a joke, geez, get a sense of humor.” “Man, don’t be so sensitive.”

and

Women are especially socialized to be considerate of other people’s feelings – even at the expense of their own – and face greater pressure to offer a “soft no” rather than a direct refusal, as a way of sparing the feelings of others.

 and

One of the undertones of the “he’s socially awkward” excuse is that he’s being misunderstood. That he’s harmless. He’s really a good guy… and this is why the woman maligning him should be willing to overlook the way he’s stepped all over her boundaries. Because he didn’t mean to.

Can you imagine why this argument isn’t going to go over well with women?
Here’s what’s happening when you’re telling someone that somebody deserves a second chance or should be forgiven for being awkward: it’s reframing a woman’s right to enforce her boundaries into a discussion about why the man shouldn’t be inconvenienced. He deserves a chance to convince her that no, she really does want to keep talking to him because he doesn’t want to intrude but how is he supposed to make her realize that he’s worth talking to? It is somehow inconsiderate or rude of her to enforce her boundaries because this person is actually a good guy. He’s a little weird, sure. He may have said things that are creepy, violated her personal space, followed her when she was trying to leave the conversation and otherwise ignored signs that she was uncomfortable… but he didn’t mean to. It’s just not fair for him to be treated like a potential rapist just because of other people’s bad behavior; he didn’t have anything to do with that!

The pressure to give someone a second chance – that they were just being awkward and the woman should just relax her boundaries a little – is telling a woman that she doesn’t have a right to establish her limits or to control who she does or doesn’t talk to. It carries the message that the right of a maybe-awkward-maybe-creepy guy to talk to her is more important than her right to feel safe and secure. It means she’s not allowed to trust her instincts and instead should either magically intuit somebody’s intentions or just let the crowd override her decisions.