Phone call/status update

Dad asked if I were planning to visit; I asked whether mom would let me in the house. He said not to take anything she said seriously--that she realized on some level that her version of events, whatever it is, didn't hold up. Mom has apparently invented a fight in which I gravely offended her (in February). Dad doesn't recall any such thing, and neither do I. Which brings me to the rationale for not visiting: I don't think it would help anything. It would be one thing if being on "my best behavior" could guarantee a peaceful visit, but we all know that my best behavior is a threat to mom--she doesn't know what to do with it--so she just hammers at me more until I snap. When someone feeds on anger and indignation, she goes out of her way to create the conditions for anger and indignation.

And, as I mentioned, I'm going out of my way to do the opposite: to not feed on anger or indignation, no matter the fodder that mom provides. I found myself in a lesser-evil thought this morning, as I was contemplating actually visiting or having my parents come here. I thought about their past visits, which are always fraught for various reasons, including the planning. In particular, I thought about the last non-visit: the time they had planned to visit for Thanksgiving but at the last minute decided it was too rainy to make the drive. Because they hadn't thought about that before. I suggested they fly, which revealed that they had also gotten a better offer (from a family friend). Which was annoying in and of itself--I was stranded, having turned down other plans, and I was having the shittiest week ever (the culmination of a series of shitty weeks) but then mom kept on wasting my time (it was a really rough time at work) by calling me to pretend that she was still looking at tickets and to explain that really, it was for the best that they didn't visit. She just kept insisting that I agree with her--that her decision was of no inconvenience to me--which I did, but she nonetheless kept me on the phone, justifying it.

That may be the very kind of thing I'd do best to let go of but in a way, I hang on to it because it's a normal family annoyance, and I relish it for that reason. That's the kind of thing you're supposed to resent your parents for; not the more abusive, unhealthy bullshit.

It's like any addiction: substituting a less unhealthy substance for a really unhealthy one.

But I really just want to let all the resentment go cold turkey. Not saying I'm there yet, but I'm choosing to start.