Tuesday ramble: tone-policing

I woke up to a tone-policing email from my dad. I won't compare that kind of individual, unsystematic, non-ethnic/racial tone-policing to the kind that Chanda Prescod-Weinstein so aptly calls out here; I'm in no way suggesting it's the same. But there are common threads--in particular, why should I be gracious when someone is insulting, just because she means well and doesn't realize she's being insulting?

Here's what happened: dad forwarded me an email from my cousin (his niece), subject line: "[bad translation of my name] need to read this." That was the first thing that pissed me off and the first thing I responded to ((1) who the hell is [*****]?). I mean, her name is Irina, not Irene, so why would she botch my name?

I've had Russians namesplain my name to me--

Random Russian person: Technically, your name should be...
A.: Fuck you.

What makes this situation all the more absurd is that Russians don't usually translate their names. They just use their given name--Leonid, not Leonard; Natalia, not Natalie. Plenty of Russian names (Tatyana, Natasha, Nina) have become standard English names as well. Mine has, too, and there are plenty of Americans who share my name. So what is the problem?

That was a rhetorical question; the problem is that I was named for an internationally known, English literary heroine--my name is the Russian version of hers--so some Russians feel the need to "convert" my name back to English. And I don't appreciate it.

But the name-botching was just the salt in the wound. What I needed to read, according to my cousin, was some pseudo-science from quack non-doctor Mercola about how vegetarians and vegans are malnourished and how our bodies need animal products. So my response to my dad was literally,

(1) Who the hell is ***** (2) mercola is well known to be full of shit and (3) I don't need garbage nutritional advice from hacks; I know where to find substantiated information.

Followed by the links in the preceding paragraph.

To which my dad replied that he figured I'd react the way I did, which was my loss because I should be gracious toward someone who was looking out for my best interest. He added that it did me no favors to be rude and superior, and that if I disagreed with the content of the article I should still appreciate her intentions.

FFS, she hit 'forward' on an email. That was her intention. That was the effort she put into sharing information with me. Even so, had she sent it to me directly, I would have responded graciously, but since she forwarded it to dad, who forwarded it to me, I let dad know what I thought of it.

Dad doesn't appreciate two key factors underlying my unappreciative response: (1) I'm uber-averse to the spreading of pseudoscience and (2) I've fucking had it with nutritionsplaining or other childish, cheap attempts to undermine my chosen way of eating.

Let's start with (1): I am periodically reminded that not everyone shares my outlook on science and credibility. This is a very easy thing for me to forget, because I'm surrounded by people in whom that outlook is ingrained. The people I work with, especially, understand the importance of credibility and of trafficking in information only carefully. This disconnect came to a head a couple of years ago with BE: he tweeted a total-bullshit article about Fukushima radiation, and I tweeted back a rebuttal; he emailed to say, 'what? I just thought that article was interesting' and I responded to say, 'you shouldn't spread misinformation; among other things, it undermines your credibility.' And his response was, 'my credibility? what are you talking about?' What I'm talking about is, if you freely share articles that are wrong and silly, I have no reason to trust anything else you share, ever. I understand that in my bones; apparently, not everybody does.

But I digress. When I shared those links with my dad, it wasn't to be combative or superior; it was to say, "I have no faith in anything this man says, because he is known to lack credibility." I thought this was important for him to know as well, since Irina regularly shares quack articles with him, too.


Pseudoscience aside, the thing that really aggravated me was the nutritionsplaining. The idea that I--a well-informed adult who puts a lot of thought into the way I live my life--would need someone else to provide information about vegan nutrition, is plain insulting. And also really old; I get it all the time--I've been getting it all the time for a long time--and I'm done being gracious about it. 

Dad might understand that. After all, I've been a vegetarian since I was 13 or so. I've been the target of an onslaught of disrespect, bullshit, and condescension from family friends since then. I've heard all the arguments. I've seen all the dickishness. I'm done being gracious, because graciousness would send the message that it's okay. I'm not saying that anger is the constructive response, but if the bullshit were delivered to me personally, I'd react in a way that was both civilized and communicative of the fact that it wasn't welcome or needed. Since it was delivered through a third party, I saw no problem with commuicating that fact right back to that third party.

Fundamentally, I agree with my dad: graciousness is something I'd do for me, not for the person pissing me off. But hell no I'm not going to appreciate someone's well-meaning condescension. Nope.